| 2023 | 2022 |
| 10/1/2023 | In matters of the heart – be they positive or difficult – there are no right or wrong ways to behave. Your emotions evolve and change as you get older and have more experiences. Even you cannot predict how you will feel when good or bad things happen to you with certainty. Try to not judge yourself either in the moment or when you look back on this period. No one is doing it “right”, for there is no rulebook for grief. |
| 9/30/2023 | “He’d lived long enough to know that everyone handled grief in different ways, and little by little, they all seemed to accept their new lives.” Nicholas Sparks Think back to the week after you lost your loved one. If you are honest, you can see that you have made progress in your healing. Take time to feel good about that today. |
| 9/17/2023 | “It was the meanest moment of eternity.” Zora Neale Hurston Grief makes you so aware of the concept of forever. If you can try to spend less of your time and energy focusing on that, it will help. Instead, try to work on your current relationships and put energy into fostering them. |
| 9/16/2023 | “Ten years, she’s dead, and I still find myself some mornings reaching for the phone to call her. She could no more be gone than gravity or the moon.” Mary Karr Getting used to the change in your everyday routine may still be a challenge. It is hard to realize how vital someone is to your everyday life until he or she is gone. |
| 9/15/2023 | “One fire burns out another’s burning, One pain is lessen’d by another’s anguish.” William Shakespeare Reading about other people’s grief will help you feel less isolated or alone. Seek out an online group or look for human interest magazines or books. Read the stories of others who have been where you are now. You will find ideas and strategies that you might not have discovered on your own that could really help you as you go through this process. |
| 9/14/2023 | “I thought I could describe a state; make a map of sorrow. Sorrow, however, turns out to be not a state but a process.” C.S. Lewis Only others who have grieved can truly be a shoulder to cry on that comes with complete understanding and empathy. |
| 9/13/2023 | “She heard him mutter, ‘Can you take away this grief?’ ‘I’m sorry,’ she replied. ‘Everyone asks me. And I would not do so even if I knew how. It belongs to you. Only time and tears take away grief; that is what they are for.” Terry Pratchett It would be amazing if there was a magic wand to make you feel better. Someone could wave it, and you would no longer have that pain in your gut. Unfortunately, grief is not solved by magic. Rather, it is eased by the passage of time. |
| 9/12/2023 | “It’s odd, isn’t it? People die every day and the world goes on like nothing happened. But when it’s a person you love, you think everyone should stop and take notice. That they ought to cry and light candles and tell you that you’re not alone.” Kristina McMorris Being busy and distracted can provide you the rest you need from grieving. Make a “to do” list today with at least three things on it that you can do. Cross off each one as it’s completed to give you a real sense of accomplishment. Remember that they don’t have to be big things. They simply need to be tasks you can finish and, subsequently, cross off your list. It will make you feel much better to look at that paper at the end of the day and know you met these small goals. |
| 9/11/2023 | “Do not stand at my grave and weep, I am not there, I do not sleep. I am in a thousand winds that blow, I am the softly falling snow. I am the gentle showers of rain, I am the fields of ripening grain. I am in the morning hush, I am in the graceful rush Of beautiful birds in circling flight, I am the starshine of the night. I am in the flowers that bloom, I am in a quiet room. I am in the birds that sing, I am in each lovely thing. Do not stand at my grave bereft I am not there. I have not left.” Mary Elizabeth Frye Some people say they can feel their loved one’s spirit around them. Depending on your religious beliefs, you may have a strong opinion on whether this is possible or not. There may be items in your home or neighborhood that trigger the feeling that your loved one is by your side. Rather than worrying about whether or not this is true, focus on the hopeful comfort this passing feeling provides. |
| 9/10/2023 | “Grief loves the hollow; all it wants is to hear its own echo.” Hisham Matar Try to listen to a piece of music that makes you feel joy. While you may not yet be able to enjoy an upbeat party song, find a calm, cheerful song that makes you feel happy. |
| 9/9/2023 | “All things of grace and beauty such that one holds them to one’s heart have a common provenance in pain. Their birth in grief and ashes.” Cormac McCarthy Seek out something beautiful today. Go to a greenhouse or a flower shop. The beauty of nature helps you to feel hope again… a hope that the world can deliver happiness as well as sorrow. |
| 9/8/2023 | “When it comes to death, we know that laughter and tears are pretty much the same thing.” Sherman Alexie Have you been able to laugh yet? Can you see the humor in everyday things as you once did? With great loss and sadness comes an inability to feel the joys of life right away. If you have been unable to laugh, try to expose yourself to things that may elicit that emotion. It is part of your return to yourself. |
| 9/7/2023 | “I know now that we never get over great losses; we absorb them, and they carve us into different, often kinder, creatures. …We tell the story to get them back, to capture the traces of footfalls through the snow.” Gail Caldwell Tell a story about your loved one today to someone who hasn’t heard it. To see a new reaction to something so precious makes your loved one a part of your life now. It is so precious to feel connected again, even if it is just for a couple of moments. |
| 9/5/2023 | “The mystery of death, the riddle of how you could speak to someone and see them every day and then never again, was so impossible to fathom that of course we kept trying to figure it out, even when we were unconscious.” Francine Prose Have you picked up the phone to call your loved one before you remembered that you can’t? Have you started to say something and then stopped yourself before the words came out? The adjustment is hard. The phone or the computer or the empty chair may be a constant reminder of that hollow place in your heart. It might help to write down the words to describe how you’re feeling on a piece of paper. Then, rip it up and dispose of it. It is all part of the slow healing process. |
| 9/4/2023 | “When you lose your parents, the sadness doesn’t go away. It just changes. It hits you sideways sometimes instead of head-on. Like now.” Jude Watson Your loss may make you feel out of control. That can lead to a downward spiral across all parts of your life. To help, find a way to feel like you are in charge of other aspects of your day. Whether it be speaking up at a condo meeting, working in a political campaign, or reorganizing a drawer, making decisions and acting on them will help you take control of your healing and your life. |
| 9/3/2023 | “I have lived with you and loved you, and now you are gone. Gone where I cannot follow, until I have finished all of my days.” Victoria Hanley When you are in mourning, your instinct may be to withdraw from society until you feel better. However, by isolating yourself, you are actually perpetuating your sorrow. Try to be social. Call a friend to go to lunch or visit a neighbor you haven’t seen for a while. Making the effort will help your psyche more than spending time alone will. |
| 9/2/2023 | “We are imperfect mortal beings, aware of that mortality even as we push it away, failed by our very complication, so wired that when we mourn our losses we also mourn, for better or for worse, ourselves. as we were. as we are no longer. as we will one day not be at all.” Joan Didion It is hard to look at people who have not grieved without feeling some envy. It is comparative bliss to not be in mourning; whatever daily troubles you have do not compare to the irrevocable pain of losing someone you love. Be aware of that feeling, but don’t let it cloud your thoughts. You will not always feel so raw, and while you cannot take back the changes to your spirit that grief makes, you will develop an acceptance of death and loss as a result of this experience. |
| 9/1/2023 | “The whole world can become the enemy when you lose what you love.” Kristina McMorris There will be times when you feel more anger than sorrow. While this is natural, do not let the anger take over how you see the world. Know that this feeling will pass, and that the anger is not true anger, but rather a form of your sadness. |
| 8/31/2023 | “We were promised sufferings. They were part of the program. We were even told, ‘Blessed are they that mourn,’ and I accept it. I’ve got nothing that I hadn’t bargained for. Of course it is different when the thing happens to oneself, not to others, and in reality, not imagination.” C.S. Lewis The difference between what you expected grief to feel like and the reality of it may be significant. You think that you can handle it in one way, when that may not be working for you at all. You never actually know how the grief and subsequent healing processes will make you feel until you experience them. Do not worry if things are not playing out the way you thought they should. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. |
| 8/30/2023 | “It’s funny, how one can look back on a sorrow one thought one might well die of at the time, and know that one had not yet reckoned the tenth part of true grief.” Jacqueline Carey One of the few positives about your grief is that it puts the rest of life’s problems in perspective. |
| 8/29/2023 | “No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing.” C.S. Lewis Fear or feelings like fear are a normal byproduct of grief. The challenge is to not let that fear morph into anger. Be sad that your loved one is gone, not angry at the world over your loss. |
| 8/28/2023 | “I knew what it was like to lose someone you loved. You didn’t get past something like that, you got through it.” Jodi Picoult It bears repeating that you never “get over” your loss. You simply learn to live with it. |
| 8/27/2023 | “Each of us has his own rhythm of suffering.” Roland Barthes It may be frustrating that others close to your loved one do not feel the same way that you do about your loss. Everyone’s grief, like everyone’s love, is different. Accepting that will help you find peace. |
| 8/26/2023 | Suppressed grief suffocates, it rages within the breast, and is forced to multiply its strength. Ovid If you hide how you are feeling, it slowly consumes you. Go online, call a friend, or find a grief support group. Pretending that you are “handling” your grief alone does not make it go away. Rather, ignoring it may make it grow until it is too tough to bear. |
| 8/25/2023 | “Grief is depression in proportion to circumstance; depression is grief out of proportion to circumstance.” Andrew Solomon When you are grieving, you feel down. It seems like it is a constant presence at times. This is normal and typical. It may frighten you, but you do not need to be afraid. Grief fades very slowly. |
| 8/24/2023 | “To the world you may be just one person, but to one person you may be the world.” Brandi Snyder Who would love to hear from you today? Pick up the phone and call. |
| 8/23/2023 | “We need people in our lives with whom we can be as open as possible. To have real conversations with people may seem like such a simple, obvious suggestion, but it involves courage and risk.” Thomas Moore If the people close to you are not grieving in the same way that you are, you may want to go online to find a support group of individuals whose journey is like your own. Having open, honest discussions about your feelings are therapeutic and necessary to your well being. |
| 8/22/2023 | “One day someone is going to hug you so tight. that all of your broken pieces will stick back together” Anonymous Give someone a hug. It is good for your soul, and makes you feel connected. |
| 8/21/2023 | “Please believe that things are good with me, and even when they’re not, they will be soon enough. And I will always believe the same about you.” Stephen Chbosky When you run into people who know about your loss, it may be hard for them to say the “right” thing or pose the right question. People often ask, “How are you doing?” with the best of intentions. What response can you give? “I’m doing fine” is certainly not the sentiment you want to share, yet how can you tell them what it’s really like? When faced with this, you may want to say something like, “It’s so nice of you to ask. I really miss _____. We were so close, and it’s a tough adjustment. How are you doing?” That way, you are honest while being sensitive to the feelings of the other person. You have shared the truth, that this is tough, while keeping the conversation going and turning the spotlight back onto the other person. You have probably been asked this question a lot already, and you need to be ready with an answer that you are comfortable saying in response to it. |
| 8/20/2023 | “Keep your face always toward the sunshine – and shadows will fall behind you.” Walt Whitman While Walt Whitman was using the idea of sunshine and shadows as a metaphor, take some time to literally get some sunshine. It is easy to withdraw when you are grieving, but the fresh air and sunshine can help elevate your mood. Put your face in the sun, and feel the warmth of the rays. |
| 8/19/2023 | “The only person who can pull me down is myself, and I’m not going to let myself pull me down anymore.” C. Joybell C. Some days you may wake up feeling so down that it seems like “getting through” is the best you can do. No one in your life can make you feel differently – you have all the power in that situation. |
| 8/18/2023 | To spare oneself from grief at all cost can be achieved only at the price of total detachment, which excludes the ability to experience happiness. Erich Fromm You may be avoiding your friends and family. Seeing them brings up all the sadness that you are trying to hide away from as you grieve. Do not shut out those who care about you because you are afraid of feeling vulnerable and overwhelmed. Let them share their strength with you, and be shoulders upon which to cry. |
| 8/17/2023 | Tears have a wisdom all their own. They come when a person has relaxed enough to let go and to work through his sorrow. They are the natural bleeding of an emotional wound, carrying the poison out of the system. Here lies the road to recovery. F. Alexander Magoun Some scientists believe that emotional tears are actually the body’s way of removing chemicals that build up when we are under stress. The release of those chemicals is what makes us feel better. While this is still just a theory, it is certainly common to feel better after you cry. Crying doesn’t have to be a long drawn-out event. A few tears shed may help you to get through the day as you work through your grief. Do not think of crying as a sign of weakness or as evidence that you will not get better. Think of crying as part of the process of grieving. |
| 8/16/2023 | “In days that follow, I discover that anger is easier to handle than grief.” Emily Giffin You may want to blame the universe for your loved one’s death. You may want to curse at the sky or fate or whatever force may have taken the gift of this person from you. Anger is fast and anger provides you with a quick release. You know that it is misplaced, and that after you feel it you are still left with the pain. But if it helps you to cope for a moment, then go ahead and curse the sky. It is only natural to feel anger as the one who was left behind. |
| 8/15/2023 | “Every morning, I wake up and forget just for a second that it happened. But once my eyes open, it buries me like a landslide of sharp, sad rocks. Once my eyes open, I’m heavy, like there’s too much gravity on my heart.” Sarah Ockler For longer than you expect, your loss will be your first conscious thought when you wake up each morning. It may be weeks, or months, or years. Then one day, out of nowhere, you will have another thought first. Do not feel badly. That is a milestone in your healing. |
| 8/14/2023 | “Now something so sad has hold of us that the breath leaves and we can’t even cry.” Charles Bukowski When death comes, even an expected one, there is always a degree of shock. It is so final. You may think you know how you’ll react, but the reality may not match your prediction. Grieve in your own way. The person who doesn’t cry is no less sensitive. The person who never talks about it to others is not cold hearted. Grief is like life, we all handle it differently. |
| 8/13/2023 | “My heart has joined the Thousand, for my friend stopped running today.” Richard Adams When we suffer a loss, we feel very alone. It is ironic, for grief, like love, is one of the most human and timeless of experiences. When you grieve, you are joining millions who have walked that path before you. |
| 8/12/2023 | “I saw the world in black and white instead of the vibrant colours and shades I knew existed.” Katie McGarry You may be wondering why after more than a month of living with this loss, you still don’t enjoy music or laugh at jokes or see beauty around you. Grief is a slow moving entity, and it will take time before you are ready to appreciate the joy that is around you. Be patient, for the colors of your life will return. |
| 8/11/2023 | The cure for grief is motion. Elbert Hubbard As you work through your grief, it is important to go from focusing on your thoughts to addressing your physical being. One of the best things you can do is to begin some form of light exercise as you work through these difficult days. Take a 15-20 minute walk in your neighborhood each day. If you have to get up earlier or go to bed later, make the time. As you walk, see the children in carriages, the dogs pulling on their leashes, and all the life that still surrounds you. Moving is good for your head and your heart. You do not have to do anything radical or strenuous. Simply walk, and you will be amazed at how effective a tool it is for gradually helping you to heal and reconnect. |
| 8/10/2023 | “When you part from your friend, you grieve not; For that which you love most in him may be clearer in his absence, as the mountain to the climber is clearer from the plain.” Khalil Gibran We spend a lot of our lives looking forward…forward to a vacation, a milestone, or even just the weekend. It is from loss that we realize that looking beside us is where we find the real joy. Our friends and loved ones are the people with whom we share our daily lives and with whom we build the most lasting memories. It is our shared morning coffee, a quick phone call or email, or watching a favorite tv show together that really defines the simple, yet most impactful joys of life. While the sadness of loss is startling, take it as an opportunity to look and see what is beside you now. Treasure those people and those mundane moments, for they are what really matter most. |
| 8/9/2023 | “Words are like nets – we hope they’ll cover what we mean, but we know they can’t possibly hold that much joy, or grief, or wonder.” Jodi Picoult It is nearly impossible to express in words the grief you are feeling. Know that you don’t have to be able to do that. Reach out and hold the hand of someone else who is in pain. That will say it all. Make that hug last a little longer or pat that person on the back. The power of an empathetic touch will help heal you both. |
| 8/8/2023 | “Every widow wakes one morning, perhaps after years of pure and unwavering grieving, to realize she slept a good night’s sleep, and will be able to eat breakfast, and doesn’t hear her husband’s ghost all the time, but only some of the time. Her grief is replaced with a useful sadness. Every parent who loses a child finds a way to laugh again. The timbre begins to fade. The edge dulls. The hurt lessens. Every love is carved from loss. Mine was. Yours is. Your great-great-great-grandchildren’s will be. But we learn to live in that love.” Jonathan Safran Foer I will never have another moment in my life when I feel better. I have to live this way forever. I hate feeling this way, but I don’t see a way out. This is my life now, and I have no other option. This is your truth for weeks, months, or longer. However, the hope seeps in unexpectedly. There will be a quick glimpse of joy, a brief laugh. Hold on…it will certainly happen to you too. Like a thief in the night, you won’t see it coming. Just know that one day it will come as a sweet relief from the pain of your loss. |
| 8/7/2023 | You may be filled with overwhelming fear, loneliness, and sorrow. You feel isolated even when people are around you. You are going through the motions, trying to put on a brave face. Through this haze, you need to keep your eyes open. Paths will cross, and opportunities will sneak in when you least expect them. Despite your sorrow, you must hold on to a glimmer of hope. You can bond again. If you can believe it, it will happen. Someone unexpected will need you, and your openness to caring for another person will help to heal your heart. |
| 8/6/2023 | “Relationships take up energy; letting go of them, psychiatrists theorize, entails mental work. When you lose someone you were close to, you have to reassess your picture of the world and your place in it. The more your identity was wrapped up with the deceased, the more difficult the loss.” Meghan O’Rourke To lose someone who was part of your daily life is unspeakably difficult. How can you make decisions, share your thoughts, or work through your dilemmas with anyone else in the same way? You can never replace the relationship you lost. It is a sacred entity in and of itself. You can, however, forge a new path that brings out different strengths and aspects of yourself you may not have known. Do not be afraid to discover these new pathways. This loss, while terrible, will press you to grow as a person. |
| 8/5/2023 | “But when I do feel all the strength go out of me, and I fall to my knees beside the table and I think I cry, then, or at least I want to, and everything inside me screams for just one more kiss, one more word, one more glance, one more.” Veronica Roth Do you play that game in your head? If you only had one wish, you would go back and do things differently…treasure that person more and forget the small things. When you think you can’t bear it anymore, write a letter. Tell your loved one how much you care and wish that you had one more moment together. Describe what you would do given the chance. Putting your thoughts on paper will free your mind from holding them. Everyone has regrets about how much better things could have been. This is a common human experience, one that we all share. Bring any regrets to your current relationships. Tell the people around you that you love them, that you value time with them, that they are important. Take any regrets and use them as tools to make your life today richer for you and those you love. Make the way you live now a living tribute to the person you lost. |
| 8/4/2023 | “Deep grief sometimes is almost like a specific location, a coordinate on a map of time. When you are standing in that forest of sorrow, you cannot imagine that you could ever find your way to a better place. But if someone can assure you that they themselves have stood in that same place, and now have moved on, sometimes this will bring hope” Elizabeth Gilbert It seems almost impossible that you will ever feel like you did before this great loss. It’s almost as if your life is now divided into two distinct parts: before this tragedy and after it. Know that this process is going to be long, and, at times, feel like it is standing still. Be good to yourself. It requires patience and hope that you will be able to enjoy life again. It will come. Hang on and believe that you will slowly step back to the “old you”. That person will emerge from the sorrow so slowly that at first you may not even realize it has happened. |
| 8/3/2023 | “It is useless for me to describe to you how terrible Violet, Klaus, and even Sunny felt in the time that followed. If you have ever lost someone very important to you, then you already know how it feels, and if you haven’t, you cannot possibly imagine it.” Lemony Snicket Well-meaning friends and acquaintances are asking you how you’re doing. Is there a good answer to that question? You say, “I’m fine,” a meaningless lie to make the moment go away. The only people who know how you are have been where you are. The others are not unkind, they are simply unaware. They have no idea how one day their lives will change in such profound ways. These changes are so significant that it feels like they alter your DNA. You want to tell them to enjoy their innocence, to relish their days without true loss. But you can’t, because you appreciate that they are trying to be kind. So, give a small smile, tell them you’re fine, and ask them about their lives. It is a part of grieving and growing, and will help to heal your broken heart. |
| 8/2/2023 | “You think you’ve accepted that someone is out of your life, that you’ve grieved and it’s over, and then bam. One little thing, and you feel like you’ve lost that person all over again.” Rachel Hawkins It’s going to happen. You don’t know where or when, but it is a certainty that it will transpire. You will run into someone who hasn’t heard about your loss, or you’ll find an unexpected memento, or hear a quote that is just like something your loved one used to say. Feel the mixed emotions that flood into your head at that moment. You will want to laugh and cry and scream at once. It is part of grieving, and it is a moment in time that will join the hundreds of other such moments you are coping with now. It is overwhelming, but fleeting. Know that it will come, and then let it float over you. You will move forward, stronger for having survived it. |
| 8/1/2023 | “To weep is to make less the depth of grief.” William Shakespeare There is no shame in crying to cope with grief. Cry a little, and then move on. You may have two weeks without tears and then cry every day for a month. Do not worry that you will never recover from your loss. You will make it a part of you, and it will open your heart to commiserate with others. Cry when you need to so that you can live and love with an open heart. |
| 7/31/2023 | “Grief can destroy you –or focus you. You can decide a relationship was all for nothing if it had to end in death, and you alone. OR you can realize that every moment of it had more meaning than you dared to recognize at the time, so much meaning it scared you, so you just lived, just took for granted the love and laughter of each day, and didn’t allow yourself to consider the sacredness of it. But when it’s over and you’re alone, you begin to see that it wasn’t just a movie and a dinner together, not just watching sunsets together, not just scrubbing a floor or washing dishes together or worrying over a high electric bill. It was everything, it was the why of life, every event and precious moment of it. The answer to the mystery of existence is the love you shared sometimes so imperfectly, and when the loss wakes you to the deeper beauty of it, to the sanctity of it, you can’t get off your knees for a long time, you’re driven to your knees not by the weight of the loss but by gratitude for what preceded the loss. And the ache is always there, but one day not the emptiness, because to nurture the emptiness, to take solace in it, is to disrespect the gift of life.” Dean Koontz Look back at your friendship, your love, and your caring for the one who has passed on. Celebrate what made it great. Share your stories with those who knew that person and are feeling the loss as well. Look for online forums as places to commiserate with others who are grieving. Taking active steps to cope with your sense of sadness will help you to heal and help others to feel less alone. |
| 7/30/2023 | “Grief is not as heavy as guilt, but it takes more away from you.” Veronica Roth When you experience such a profound loss, you have a kind of heaviness in your heart that feels permanent. It seems as if it will smother you with its intensity at times, and makes you question if it will ever lighten. The light will return. It may not be today, and it may not be tomorrow. The key is to keep moving forward, trying to really live in each moment. Grief is a heavy burden, but it will morph into one that you can carry given time. |
| 7/29/2023 | “When someone you love dies, and you’re not expecting it, you don’t lose her all at once; you lose her in pieces over a long time – the way the mail stops coming, and her scent fades from the pillows and even from the clothes in her closet and drawers. Gradually, you accumulate the parts of her that are gone. Just when the day comes – when there’s a particular missing part that overwhelms you with the feeling that she’s gone, forever – there comes another day, and another specifically missing part.” John Irving To see the clothes in the closet, the handwriting that is so familiar on scraps of paper around the house, and the small unfinished tasks left behind can be so bittersweet. You want to see the familiar, the mundane, to feel like life has not changed. The sadness comes from knowing that there are no new stories or everyday items to keep your connection alive. As time passes, you will find strength in these items. Treasure the sights, the smells, the small pieces of your loved ones. Make a memory box to keep them for the times you need to feel your connection in a tangible way. As time passes, you won’t need to look as often, but there is comfort in knowing they are there if you do. |
| 7/28/2023 | “No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.” C.S. Lewis You may be asking yourself how you can possibly move on with your life. Your world has changed, and this new reality is unbearable. Try to recognize that a big part of how you are feeling is fear. You may be afraid that you will never experience joy again, that you will never want to participate in activities that used to bring you pleasure, or that you will never connect to others as you once did. Be patient with yourself. The early days can feel unbearable…with each one as overwhelming as the one before. The process of grief takes time, perhaps longer than you might expect. You do not need to feel afraid, because you are not alone. Others feel as you do. You may want to reach out to a support group in your area to talk with people who are also experiencing loss. You do not need to be frightened, because there are many people who feel as you do right now. |
| 7/27/2023 | “Only people who are capable of loving strongly can also suffer great sorrow, but this same necessity of loving serves to counteract their grief and heals them.” Leo Tolstoy When we love someone – be it a friend, family member, or spouse – we open ourselves up to the potential for loss. Yet, we take the plunge, and embrace these relationships, for it is through these connections that we really live. The pain of loss feels insurmountable, but opening your heart to friendship and to love are the keys to truly living again. |
| 7/26/2023 | “You will lose someone you can’t live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly – that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.” Anne Lamott Living with loss changes you. You see both joys and sorrows with a new perspective, and a greater appreciation of their importance. The loss of someone heightens your feelings towards those who are still a part of your life. To love and care with an open heart is one of the gifts afforded you by suffering through the pain of grieving. |
| 7/25/2023 | “The pleasure of remembering had been taken from me, because there was no longer anyone to remember with. It felt like losing your co-rememberer meant losing the memory itself, as if the things we’d done were less real and important than they had been hours before.” John Green An integral part of sharing a relationship with someone is building memories together. The loss of a friend or loved one means the loss of reliving those joint experiences. It is the everyday parts of life, be it running into someone at the market or seeing a favorite movie, that can be hardest to bear. Keep a memories journal as a place to write down these stories as they trigger in your memory. This book can be a place to write how you are feeling or even just how much you miss that special person. Journaling brings healing and gives you a positive outlet for these strong emotions. |
| 7/24/2023 | “The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to.” Elisabeth Kübler-Ross Hope is the one constant. The hope that you will feel better, that you will “get over” such an enormous loss is as constant as the knowledge that the sun will rise at the beginning of each new day. You do need hope, but hope that’s directed towards living for today. Reach out to someone else. Channel yourself into positive things that are around you. Your new hope should be that you live your life as fully as you can each day. |
| 7/5/2023 | “It’s odd, isn’t it? People die every day and the world goes on like nothing happened. But when it’s a person you love, you think everyone should stop and take notice. That they ought to cry and light candles and tell you that you’re not alone.” Kristina McMorris Being busy and distracted can provide you the rest you need from grieving. Make a “to do” list today with at least three things on it that you can do. Cross off each one as it’s completed to give you a real sense of accomplishment. Remember that they don’t have to be big things. They simply need to be tasks you can finish and, subsequently, cross off your list. It will make you feel much better to look at that paper at the end of the day and know you met these small goals. |
| 7/4/2023 | “Do not stand at my grave and weep, I am not there, I do not sleep. I am in a thousand winds that blow, I am the softly falling snow. I am the gentle showers of rain, I am the fields of ripening grain. I am in the morning hush, I am in the graceful rush Of beautiful birds in circling flight, I am the starshine of the night. I am in the flowers that bloom, I am in a quiet room. I am in the birds that sing, I am in each lovely thing. Do not stand at my grave bereft I am not there. I have not left.” Mary Elizabeth Frye Some people say they can feel their loved one’s spirit around them. Depending on your religious beliefs, you may have a strong opinion on whether this is possible or not. There may be items in your home or neighborhood that trigger the feeling that your loved one is by your side. Rather than worrying about whether or not this is true, focus on the hopeful comfort this passing feeling provides. |
| 7/3/2023 | “Grief loves the hollow; all it wants is to hear its own echo.” Hisham Matar Try to listen to a piece of music that makes you feel joy. While you may not yet be able to enjoy an upbeat party song, find a calm, cheerful song that makes you feel happy. |
| 7/2/2023 | “All things of grace and beauty such that one holds them to one’s heart have a common provenance in pain. Their birth in grief and ashes.” Cormac McCarthy Seek out something beautiful today. Go to a greenhouse or a flower shop. The beauty of nature helps you to feel hope again… a hope that the world can deliver happiness as well as sorrow. |
| 7/1/2023 | “When it comes to death, we know that laughter and tears are pretty much the same thing.” Sherman Alexie Have you been able to laugh yet? Can you see the humor in everyday things as you once did? With great loss and sadness comes an inability to feel the joys of life right away. If you have been unable to laugh, try to expose yourself to things that may elicit that emotion. It is part of your return to yourself. |
| 6/30/2023 | “I know now that we never get over great losses; we absorb them, and they carve us into different, often kinder, creatures. …We tell the story to get them back, to capture the traces of footfalls through the snow.” Gail Caldwell Tell a story about your loved one today to someone who hasn’t heard it. To see a new reaction to something so precious makes your loved one a part of your life now. It is so precious to feel connected again, even if it is just for a couple of moments. |
| 6/29/2023 | “Grief is love turned into an eternal missing” Rosamund Lupton To have grief means that you have had love. A life without love would be far more difficult to bear than one with loss. |
| 6/28/2023 | “The mystery of death, the riddle of how you could speak to someone and see them every day and then never again, was so impossible to fathom that of course we kept trying to figure it out, even when we were unconscious.” Francine Prose Have you picked up the phone to call your loved one before you remembered that you can’t? Have you started to say something and then stopped yourself before the words came out? The adjustment is hard. The phone or the computer or the empty chair may be a constant reminder of that hollow place in your heart. It might help to write down the words to describe how you’re feeling on a piece of paper. Then, rip it up and dispose of it. It is all part of the slow healing process. |
| 6/27/2023 | “When you lose your parents, the sadness doesn’t go away. It just changes. It hits you sideways sometimes instead of head-on. Like now.” Jude Watson Your loss may make you feel out of control. That can lead to a downward spiral across all parts of your life. To help, find a way to feel like you are in charge of other aspects of your day. Whether it be speaking up at a condo meeting, working in a political campaign, or reorganizing a drawer, making decisions and acting on them will help you take control of your healing and your life. |
| 6/26/2023 | “I have lived with you and loved you, and now you are gone. Gone where I cannot follow, until I have finished all of my days.” Victoria Hanley When you are in mourning, your instinct may be to withdraw from society until you feel better. However, by isolating yourself, you are actually perpetuating your sorrow. Try to be social. Call a friend to go to lunch or visit a neighbor you haven’t seen for a while. Making the effort will help your psyche more than spending time alone will. |
| 6/25/2023 | “We are imperfect mortal beings, aware of that mortality even as we push it away, failed by our very complication, so wired that when we mourn our losses we also mourn, for better or for worse, ourselves. as we were. as we are no longer. as we will one day not be at all.” Joan Didion It is hard to look at people who have not grieved without feeling some envy. It is comparative bliss to not be in mourning; whatever daily troubles you have do not compare to the irrevocable pain of losing someone you love. Be aware of that feeling, but don’t let it cloud your thoughts. You will not always feel so raw, and while you cannot take back the changes to your spirit that grief makes, you will develop an acceptance of death and loss as a result of this experience. |
| 6/24/2023 | “The whole world can become the enemy when you lose what you love.” Kristina McMorris There will be times when you feel more anger than sorrow. While this is natural, do not let the anger take over how you see the world. Know that this feeling will pass, and that the anger is not true anger, but rather a form of your sadness. |
| 6/23/2023 | “We were promised sufferings. They were part of the program. We were even told, ‘Blessed are they that mourn,’ and I accept it. I’ve got nothing that I hadn’t bargained for. Of course it is different when the thing happens to oneself, not to others, and in reality, not imagination.” C.S. Lewis The difference between what you expected grief to feel like and the reality of it may be significant. You think that you can handle it in one way, when that may not be working for you at all. You never actually know how the grief and subsequent healing processes will make you feel until you experience them. Do not worry if things are not playing out the way you thought they should. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. |
| 6/22/2023 | “It’s funny, how one can look back on a sorrow one thought one might well die of at the time, and know that one had not yet reckoned the tenth part of true grief.” Jacqueline Carey One of the few positives about your grief is that it puts the rest of life’s problems in perspective. |
| 6/21/2023 | “No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing.” C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed Fear or feelings like fear are a normal byproduct of grief. The challenge is to not let that fear morph into anger. Be sad that your loved one is gone, not angry at the world over your loss. |
| 6/20/2023 | “I knew what it was like to lose someone you loved. You didn’t get past something like that, you got through it.” Jodi Picoult, Change of Heart It bears repeating that you never “get over” your loss. You simply learn to live with it. |
| 6/19/2023 | “Each of us has his own rhythm of suffering.” Roland Barthes It may be frustrating that others close to your loved one do not feel the same way that you do about your loss. Everyone’s grief, like everyone’s love, is different. Accepting that will help you find peace. |
| 6/18/2023 | Suppressed grief suffocates, it rages within the breast, and is forced to multiply its strength. Ovid If you hide how you are feeling, it slowly consumes you. Go online, call a friend, or find a grief support group. Pretending that you are “handling” your grief alone does not make it go away. Rather, ignoring it may make it grow until it is too tough to bear. |
| 6/17/2023 | “Grief is depression in proportion to circumstance; depression is grief out of proportion to circumstance.” Andrew Solomon When you are grieving, you feel down. It seems like it is a constant presence at times. This is normal and typical. It may frighten you, but you do not need to be afraid. Grief fades very slowly. |
| 6/16/2023 | “To the world you may be just one person, but to one person you may be the world.” Brandi Snyder Who would love to hear from you today? Pick up the phone and call. |
| 6/15/2023 | “We need people in our lives with whom we can be as open as possible. To have real conversations with people may seem like such a simple, obvious suggestion, but it involves courage and risk.” Thomas Moore If the people close to you are not grieving in the same way that you are, you may want to go online to find a support group of individuals whose journey is like your own. Having open, honest discussions about your feelings are therapeutic and necessary to your well being. |
| 6/14/2023 | “One day someone is going to hug you so tight. that all of your broken pieces will stick back together” Anonymous Give someone a hug. It is good for your soul, and makes you feel connected. |
| 6/13/2023 | “Please believe that things are good with me, and even when they’re not, they will be soon enough. And I will always believe the same about you.” Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower When you run into people who know about your loss, it may be hard for them to say the “right” thing or pose the right question. People often ask, “How are you doing?” with the best of intentions. What response can you give? “I’m doing fine” is certainly not the sentiment you want to share, yet how can you tell them what it’s really like? When faced with this, you may want to say something like, “It’s so nice of you to ask. I really miss _____. We were so close, and it’s a tough adjustment. How are you doing?” That way, you are honest while being sensitive to the feelings of the other person. You have shared the truth, that this is tough, while keeping the conversation going and turning the spotlight back onto the other person. You have probably been asked this question a lot already, and you need to be ready with an answer that you are comfortable saying in response to it. |
| 6/12/2023 | “Keep your face always toward the sunshine – and shadows will fall behind you.” Walt Whitman While Walt Whitman was using the idea of sunshine and shadows as a metaphor, take some time to literally get some sunshine. It is easy to withdraw when you are grieving, but the fresh air and sunshine can help elevate your mood. Put your face in the sun, and feel the warmth of the rays. |
| 6/11/2023 | “The only person who can pull me down is myself, and I’m not going to let myself pull me down anymore.” C. Joybell C. Some days you may wake up feeling so down that it seems like “getting through” is the best you can do. No one in your life can make you feel differently – you have all the power in that situation. |
| 6/10/2023 | To spare oneself from grief at all cost can be achieved only at the price of total detachment, which excludes the ability to experience happiness. Erich Fromm You may be avoiding your friends and family. Seeing them brings up all the sadness that you are trying to hide away from as you grieve. Do not shut out those who care about you because you are afraid of feeling vulnerable and overwhelmed. Let them share their strength with you, and be shoulders upon which to cry. |
| 6/9/2023 | Tears have a wisdom all their own. They come when a person has relaxed enough to let go and to work through his sorrow. They are the natural bleeding of an emotional wound, carrying the poison out of the system. Here lies the road to recovery. F. Alexander Magoun Some scientists believe that emotional tears are actually the body’s way of removing chemicals that build up when we are under stress. The release of those chemicals is what makes us feel better. While this is still just a theory, it is certainly common to feel better after you cry. Crying doesn’t have to be a long drawn-out event. A few tears shed may help you to get through the day as you work through your grief. Do not think of crying as a sign of weakness or as evidence that you will not get better. Think of crying as part of the process of grieving. |
| 6/8/2023 | “Respect your needs and limitations as you work through your grief and begin to heal” American Pregnancy Association People may be asking you what they can do to help. While well-intentioned, that question can feel overwhelming. You might want to reply with a comment like, “Thank you so much for asking. This has been so tough for me…I don’t even know what I need. It would be great if I could call you if I need something later.” That way you acknowledge the person’s offer and keep the door open in case you realize later that you could use the help. |
| 6/7/2023 | “Every morning, I wake up and forget just for a second that it happened. But once my eyes open, it buries me like a landslide of sharp, sad rocks. Once my eyes open, I’m heavy, like there’s too much gravity on my heart.” Sarah Ockler, Twenty Boy Summer For longer than you expect, your loss will be your first conscious thought when you wake up each morning. It may be weeks, or months, or years. Then one day, out of nowhere, you will have another thought first. Do not feel badly. That is a milestone in your healing. |
| 6/6/2023 | “Now something so sad has hold of us that the breath leaves and we can’t even cry.” Charles Bukowski, You Get So Alone at Times That it Just Makes Sense When death comes, even an expected one, there is always a degree of shock. It is so final. You may think you know how you’ll react, but the reality may not match your prediction. Grieve in your own way. The person who doesn’t cry is no less sensitive. The person who never talks about it to others is not cold hearted. Grief is like life, we all handle it differently. |
| 6/5/2023 | “My heart has joined the Thousand, for my friend stopped running today.” Richard Adams, Watership Down When we suffer a loss, we feel very alone. It is ironic, for grief, like love, is one of the most human and timeless of experiences. When you grieve, you are joining millions who have walked that path before you. |
| 6/4/2023 | “I saw the world in black and white instead of the vibrant colours and shades I knew existed.” Katie McGarry, Pushing the Limits You may be wondering why after more than a month of living with this loss, you still don’t enjoy music or laugh at jokes or see beauty around you. Grief is a slow moving entity, and it will take time before you are ready to appreciate the joy that is around you. Be patient, for the colors of your life will return. |
| 6/3/2023 | The cure for grief is motion. Elbert Hubbard As you work through your grief, it is important to go from focusing on your thoughts to addressing your physical being. One of the best things you can do is to begin some form of light exercise as you work through these difficult days. Take a 15-20 minute walk in your neighborhood each day. If you have to get up earlier or go to bed later, make the time. As you walk, see the children in carriages, the dogs pulling on their leashes, and all the life that still surrounds you. Moving is good for your head and your heart. You do not have to do anything radical or strenuous. Simply walk, and you will be amazed at how effective a tool it is for gradually helping you to heal and reconnect. |
| 6/2/2023 | “When you part from your friend, you grieve not; For that which you love most in him may be clearer in his absence, as the mountain to the climber is clearer from the plain.” – Khalil Gibran, The Prophet We spend a lot of our lives looking forward…forward to a vacation, a milestone, or even just the weekend. It is from loss that we realize that looking beside us is where we find the real joy. Our friends and loved ones are the people with whom we share our daily lives and with whom we build the most lasting memories. It is our shared morning coffee, a quick phone call or email, or watching a favorite tv show together that really defines the simple, yet most impactful joys of life. While the sadness of loss is startling, take it as an opportunity to look and see what is beside you now. Treasure those people and those mundane moments, for they are what really matter most. |
| 6/1/2023 | “Words are like nets – we hope they’ll cover what we mean, but we know they can’t possibly hold that much joy, or grief, or wonder.” – Jodi Picoult, Change of Heart It is nearly impossible to express in words the grief you are feeling. Know that you don’t have to be able to do that. Reach out and hold the hand of someone else who is in pain. That will say it all. Make that hug last a little longer or pat that person on the back. The power of an empathetic touch will help heal you both. |
| 5/31/2023 | “Every widow wakes one morning, perhaps after years of pure and unwavering grieving, to realize she slept a good night’s sleep, and will be able to eat breakfast, and doesn’t hear her husband’s ghost all the time, but only some of the time. Her grief is replaced with a useful sadness. Every parent who loses a child finds a way to laugh again. The timbre begins to fade. The edge dulls. The hurt lessens. Every love is carved from loss. Mine was. Yours is. Your great-great-great-grandchildren’s will be. But we learn to live in that love.” – Jonathan Safran Foer, Everything Is Illuminated I will never have another moment in my life when I feel better. I have to live this way forever. I hate feeling this way, but I don’t see a way out. This is my life now, and I have no other option. This is your truth for weeks, months, or longer. However, the hope seeps in unexpectedly. There will be a quick glimpse of joy, a brief laugh. Hold on…it will certainly happen to you too. Like a thief in the night, you won’t see it coming. Just know that one day it will come as a sweet relief from the pain of your loss. |
| 5/30/2023 | You are filled with overwhelming fear, loneliness, and sorrow. You feel isolated even when people are around you. You are going through the motions, trying to put on a brave face. Through this haze, you need to keep your eyes open. Paths will cross, and opportunities will sneak in when you least expect them. Despite your sorrow, you must hold on to a glimmer of hope. You can bond again. If you can believe it, it will happen. Someone unexpected will need you, and your openness to caring for another person will help to heal your heart. |
| 5/29/2023 | “Relationships take up energy; letting go of them, psychiatrists theorize, entails mental work. When you lose someone you were close to, you have to reassess your picture of the world and your place in it. The more your identity was wrapped up with the deceased, the more difficult the loss.” – Meghan O’Rourke To lose someone who was part of your daily life is unspeakably difficult. How can you make decisions, share your thoughts, or work through your dilemmas with anyone else in the same way? You can never replace the relationship you lost. It is a sacred entity in and of itself. You can, however, forge a new path that brings out different strengths and aspects of yourself you may not have known. Do not be afraid to discover these new pathways. This loss, while terrible, will press you to grow as a person. |
| 5/28/2023 | “But when I do feel all the strength go out of me, and I fall to my knees beside the table and I think I cry, then, or at least I want to, and everything inside me screams for just one more kiss, one more word, one more glance, one more.” – Veronica Roth, Allegiant Do you play that game in your head? If you only had one wish, you would go back and do things differently…treasure that person more and forget the small things. When you think you can’t bear it anymore, write a letter. Tell your loved one how much you care and wish that you had one more moment together. Describe what you would do given the chance. Putting your thoughts on paper will free your mind from holding them. Everyone has regrets about how much better things could have been. This is a common human experience, one that we all share. Bring any regrets to your current relationships. Tell the people around you that you love them, that you value time with them, that they are important. Take any regrets and use them as tools to make your life today richer for you and those you love. Make the way you live now a living tribute to the person you lost. |
| 5/27/2023 | “Deep grief sometimes is almost like a specific location, a coordinate on a map of time. When you are standing in that forest of sorrow, you cannot imagine that you could ever find your way to a better place. But if someone can assure you that they themselves have stood in that same place, and now have moved on, sometimes this will bring hope” – Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love It seems almost impossible that you will ever feel like you did before this great loss. It’s almost as if your life is now divided into two distinct parts: before this tragedy and after it. Know that this process is going to be long, and, at times, feel like it is standing still. Be good to yourself. It requires patience and hope that you will be able to enjoy life again. It will come. Hang on and believe that you will slowly step back to the “old you”. That person will emerge from the sorrow so slowly that at first you may not even realize it has happened. |
| 5/26/2023 | “It is useless for me to describe to you how terrible Violet, Klaus, and even Sunny felt in the time that followed. If you have ever lost someone very important to you, then you already know how it feels, and if you haven’t, you cannot possibly imagine it.” – Lemony Snicket, The Bad Beginning Well-meaning friends and acquaintances are asking you how you’re doing. Is there a good answer to that question? You say, “I’m fine,” a meaningless lie to make the moment go away. The only people who know how you are have been where you are. The others are not unkind, they are simply unaware. They have no idea how one day their lives will change in such profound ways. These changes are so significant that it feels like they alter your DNA. You want to tell them to enjoy their innocence, to relish their days without true loss. But you can’t, because you appreciate that they are trying to be kind. So, give a small smile, tell them you’re fine, and ask them about their lives. It is a part of grieving and growing, and will help to heal your broken heart. |
| 5/25/2023 | “You think you’ve accepted that someone is out of your life, that you’ve grieved and it’s over, and then bam. One little thing, and you feel like you’ve lost that person all over again.” – Rachel Hawkins, Demonglass It’s going to happen. You don’t know where or when, but it is a certainty that it will transpire. You will run into someone who hasn’t heard about your loss, or you’ll find an unexpected memento, or hear a quote that is just like something your loved one used to say. Feel the mixed emotions that flood into your head at that moment. You will want to laugh and cry and scream at once. It is part of grieving, and it is a moment in time that will join the hundreds of other such moments you are coping with now. It is overwhelming, but fleeting. Know that it will come, and then let it float over you. You will move forward, stronger for having survived it. |
| 5/24/2023 | “To weep is to make less the depth of grief.” -William Shakespeare There is no shame in crying to cope with grief. Cry a little, and then move on. You may have two weeks without tears and then cry every day for a month. Do not worry that you will never recover from your loss. You will make it a part of you, and it will open your heart to commiserate with others. Cry when you need to so that you can live and love with an open heart. |
| 5/23/2023 | “Grief can destroy you –or focus you. You can decide a relationship was all for nothing if it had to end in death, and you alone. OR you can realize that every moment of it had more meaning than you dared to recognize at the time, so much meaning it scared you, so you just lived, just took for granted the love and laughter of each day, and didn’t allow yourself to consider the sacredness of it. But when it’s over and you’re alone, you begin to see that it wasn’t just a movie and a dinner together, not just watching sunsets together, not just scrubbing a floor or washing dishes together or worrying over a high electric bill. It was everything, it was the why of life, every event and precious moment of it. The answer to the mystery of existence is the love you shared sometimes so imperfectly, and when the loss wakes you to the deeper beauty of it, to the sanctity of it, you can’t get off your knees for a long time, you’re driven to your knees not by the weight of the loss but by gratitude for what preceded the loss. And the ache is always there, but one day not the emptiness, because to nurture the emptiness, to take solace in it, is to disrespect the gift of life.” – Dean Koontz, Odd Hours Look back at your friendship, your love, and your caring for the one who has passed on. Celebrate what made it great. Share your stories with those who knew that person and are feeling the loss as well. Look for online forums as places to commiserate with others who are grieving. Taking active steps to cope with your sense of sadness will help you to heal and help others to feel less alone. |
| 5/22/2023 | “Grief is not as heavy as guilt, but it takes more away from you.” – Veronica Roth, Insurgent When you experience such a profound loss, you have a kind of heaviness in your heart that feels permanent. It seems as if it will smother you with its intensity at times, and makes you question if it will ever lighten. The light will return. It may not be today, and it may not be tomorrow. The key is to keep moving forward, trying to really live in each moment. Grief is a heavy burden, but it will morph into one that you can carry given time. |
| 5/21/2023 | “When someone you love dies, and you’re not expecting it, you don’t lose her all at once; you lose her in pieces over a long time – the way the mail stops coming, and her scent fades from the pillows and even from the clothes in her closet and drawers. Gradually, you accumulate the parts of her that are gone. Just when the day comes – when there’s a particular missing part that overwhelms you with the feeling that she’s gone, forever – there comes another day, and another specifically missing part.” – John Irving, A Prayer for Owen Meany To see the clothes in the closet, the handwriting that is so familiar on scraps of paper around the house, and the small unfinished tasks left behind can be so bittersweet. You want to see the familiar, the mundane, to feel like life has not changed. The sadness comes from knowing that there are no new stories or everyday items to keep your connection alive. As time passes, you will find strength in these items. Treasure the sights, the smells, the small pieces of your loved ones. Make a memory box to keep them for the times you need to feel your connection in a tangible way. As time passes, you won’t need to look as often, but there is comfort in knowing they are there if you do. |
| 5/20/2023 | “No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.” – C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed You may be asking yourself how you can possibly move on with your life. Your world has changed, and this new reality is unbearable. Try to recognize that a big part of how you are feeling is fear. You may be afraid that you will never experience joy again, that you will never want to participate in activities that used to bring you pleasure, or that you will never connect to others as you once did. Be patient with yourself. The early days can feel unbearable…with each one as overwhelming as the one before. The process of grief takes time, perhaps longer than you might expect. You do not need to feel afraid, because you are not alone. Others feel as you do. You may want to reach out to a support group in your area to talk with people who are also experiencing loss. You do not need to be frightened, because there are many people who feel as you do right now. |
| 5/19/2023 | “Only people who are capable of loving strongly can also suffer great sorrow, but this same necessity of loving serves to counteract their grief and heals them.” – Leo Tolstoy When we love someone – be it a friend, family member, or spouse – we open ourselves up to the potential for loss. Yet, we take the plunge, and embrace these relationships, for it is through these connections that we really live. The pain of loss feels insurmountable, but opening your heart to friendship and to love are the keys to truly living again. |
| 5/18/2023 | “You will lose someone you can’t live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly – that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.” – Anne Lamott Living with loss changes you. You see both joys and sorrows with a new perspective, and a greater appreciation of their importance. The loss of someone heightens your feelings towards those who are still a part of your life. To love and care with an open heart is one of the gifts afforded you by suffering through the pain of grieving. |
| 5/17/2023 | “The pleasure of remembering had been taken from me, because there was no longer anyone to remember with. It felt like losing your co-rememberer meant losing the memory itself, as if the things we’d done were less real and important than they had been hours before.” – John Green, The Fault in Our Stars An integral part of sharing a relationship with someone is building memories together. The loss of a friend or loved one means the loss of reliving those joint experiences. It is the everyday parts of life, be it running into someone at the market or seeing a favorite movie, that can be hardest to bear. Keep a memories journal as a place to write down these stories as they trigger in your memory. This book can be a place to write how you are feeling or even just how much you miss that special person. Journaling brings healing and gives you a positive outlet for these strong emotions. |
| 5/16/2023 | “I will not say, do not weep, for not all tears are an evil.” – J.R.R. Tolkien You may be trying to hide your tears. It might feel like you are being strong by not crying. To cry is not to be weak, but rather to release your sorrow so that you can let go of it and move forward. You may need to cry every day. Cry…but then dry your eyes and live your life with joy until the next time you need to shed the inevitable tears that come with the grieving process. Crying is a natural part of healing. Cry, but then laugh and smile as you live a full and meaningful life. |
| 5/15/2023 | “The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to.” – Elisabeth Kübler-Ross Hope is the one constant. The hope that you will feel better, that you will “get over” such an enormous loss is as constant as the knowledge that the sun will rise at the beginning of each new day. You do need hope, but hope that’s directed towards living for today. Reach out to someone else. Channel yourself into positive things that are around you. Your new hope should be that you live your life as fully as you can each day. |
| 5/12/2023 | “When those you love die, the best you can do is honor their spirit for as long as you live. You make a commitment that you’re going to take whatever lesson that person or animal was trying to teach you, and you make it true in your own life… it’s a positive way to keep their spirit alive in the world, by keeping it alive in yourself.” Patrick Swayze If you could capture the essence of your loved one using one word, what would it be? Do one thing today to bring that word to life. |
| 5/11/2023 | “There are as many sorrows as there are people who feel them and there are no rules… It is solitary… Grief is such a lonely thing. There is no-one in it with you – others may grieve for the same soul, but they do not grieve exactly for what you also grieve. No-one has lost precisely what you have lost. Not exactly, never exactly. We are in it alone… Oh it is wild and it is lonely. It is as if you’ve woken to a world that you recognise but it has been tilted, somehow – coated, or rubbed down, or made colder or less bright. It echoes where it should not echo; where it should echo, it is as echoless as a single, muffled thud. And grief is not merely sadness, as if sadness alone was not enough to bear. I had imagined the sorrow to be as deep as a well, a howling grief, but I had not imagined the other feelings that have no right to be there, which seem wholly misplaced in a state of grieving – rage, impatience, self-pity, disgust. They come from the dark and rush in upon you…” Susan Fletcher Even when there are people swirling around you, you may feel very lonely in your own skin. It is almost ironic that the times you feel the most isolated may be the times when you are surrounded by the most people. Change your focus from the group as its own entity to one individual. Reach out and talk to that person. Making a one-on-one connection will help you feel more connected again. |
| 5/10/2023 | “When those you love die, the best you can do is honor their spirit for as long as you live. You make a commitment that you’re going to take whatever lesson that person or animal was trying to teach you, and you make it true in your own life… it’s a positive way to keep their spirit alive in the world, by keeping it alive in yourself.” Patrick Swayze If you could capture the essence of your loved one using one word, what would it be? Do one thing today to bring that word to life. |
| 5/9/2023 | “There are as many sorrows as there are people who feel them and there are no rules… It is solitary… Grief is such a lonely thing. There is no-one in it with you – others may grieve for the same soul, but they do not grieve exactly for what you also grieve. No-one has lost precisely what you have lost. Not exactly, never exactly. We are in it alone… Oh it is wild and it is lonely. It is as if you’ve woken to a world that you recognise but it has been tilted, somehow – coated, or rubbed down, or made colder or less bright. It echoes where it should not echo; where it should echo, it is as echoless as a single, muffled thud. And grief is not merely sadness, as if sadness alone was not enough to bear. I had imagined the sorrow to be as deep as a well, a howling grief, but I had not imagined the other feelings that have no right to be there, which seem wholly misplaced in a state of grieving – rage, impatience, self-pity, disgust. They come from the dark and rush in upon you…” Susan Fletcher Even when there are people swirling around you, you may feel very lonely in your own skin. It is almost ironic that the times you feel the most isolated may be the times when you are surrounded by the most people. Change your focus from the group as its own entity to one individual. Reach out and talk to that person. Making a one-on-one connection will help you feel more connected again. |
| 5/8/2023 | “You endure what is supposedly unbearable, and before you know it, you would have done the impossible by bearing the unbearable.” – Donovan People told you things would slowly get better, but until you survive the first year of grief, that can be hard to believe. Looking back, you have made it through family events and milestones that seemed overwhelming. This next year will still be hard, but will not compare to what you’ve already accomplished. Continue to reach out to others to support you and rely on your inner strength when you need to. Just know that you are not alone. |
| 5/7/2023 | “Change the way you think and you will change the way you feel.” – Charmaine Smith Ladd, Shake Hands with Yourself: A Peacemaker’s Guide to Happiness & Inner Peace Make sure you live your life through a lens of gratitude and appreciation. You are always going to be sad about your loss, but take that feeling and channel it into love for the life that is all around you. |
| 5/6/2023 | “The point is to turn your grief into love. The roses are helping you find grace.” – Holly Lynn Payne, DAMASCENA – The Tale of Roses and Rumi You have been learning more about life from death than you thought possible. Turn that sadness into empathy and love for other people. Make an effort to make someone else’s day better and, in return, you will start to appreciate the value of life that becomes heightened by suffering through grief. |
| 5/5/2023 | Loss reshapes us and teaches us to fill ourselves with something new. If we resist, we feel as you do. Hollow. Empty.” – Ash Krafton, Wolf’s Bane What have you done to actively work through your grief process this week? Remember to exercise, eat well, and find ways to reach out to other people. Being passive will not ease your heart. You need to make the effort to respect yourself and reconnect with the world. |
| 5/4/2023 | “We all have our sorrows, and although the exact delineations, weight and dimensions of grief are different for everyone, the color of grief is common to us all.” – Diane Setterfield, The Thirteenth Tale Go online and read the stories of others who are grieving. You will feel comfort from and a connection to these people that you did not expect. |
| 5/3/2023 | “I had met death before, in different forms–I knew quite well the pattern of my grieving. First came shock, and then tears, and then a bitter anger, followed by a softer grief that time would wear away.” – Susanna Kearsley, The Splendour Falls Even if you know the expected order of grief, the process is still overwhelming at times. Think about where you think you are in your grief today. Are you sad, angry, or perhaps somewhere in-between. Looking objectively at how you are doing can help you manage your emotions as you work through the process. |
| 5/2/2023 | “My pain builds like storm clouds-massive, dark, and heavy with teardrops. Moisture falls torrential as if my world is a violent, eternal downpour; however, at long last the source runs dry and the bitter storm does cease. Blue skies dare to glow where the gloom has dissipated. I breathe it in, hoping to cleanse my inner soul. A laden heart tells me the truth; the clear sky is an illusion. Old pain rushes back like a flood, providing means for clouds to form and expand once again until it is too much to bear and the heaviness turns to rain. I cannot find refuge from this woe. It is my never-ending heartache.” – Richelle E. Goodrich The first time you have a relapse of grief feels overwhelming. After working hard to feel better for so many weeks, it is almost cruel to have such sadness. The return of grief is normal and will continue to happen again and again – often for years. The good news is that after the first time, you are ready for it. You don’t like it, but you expect its inevitable presence. Like rainstorms that can spoil a summer’s day at the beach, the tears of grief will come and go. What you need to do is figure out what you need to do to weather that storm. |
| 5/1/2023 | “There need not be a purpose to a person’s death, other than that they have lived the length of their days on this Earth and now begin the longer part of their existence.” – Brian M. Holmes, What Are You Crying About? Defeating Grief for Christians You may be searching for a deeper meaning in your loved one’s life or even your own as part of your grief process. The truth is that the meaning of someone’s life doesn’t have to be profound. We all contribute something to the fabric of our relationships. Like the square of a much larger quilt, it may seem insignificant on its own, but its absence makes a big empty spot. What is one thing that stands out to you about your loved one? Did that person give a great hug when you visited? Was he or she a good listener? Perhaps your loved one was someone you could really trust. Think about that contribution today as your own tribute to that special person. |
| 4/30/2023 | “He had pulled out of that grief, eventually – out from under the suffocating weight of it. Suffering had formed him: made him silent and deliberate, thoughtful: deep.” – Amanda Coplin, The Orchardist You will find your voice. You will be able to talk about the person you lost without your eyes filling with tears. If you are not there yet, don’t worry. That day will come soon. |
| 4/29/2023 | “Funerals seem less about comforting the souls of these dearly departed than about comforting the people they leave behind.” – Rin Chupeco“347 Funerals, like weddings, are a blur for those at the center of the ceremony. Now that some time has passed and the shock has diminished, you may want to stop and truly celebrate the person you lost. Organize a small dinner or simple get-together that you term a celebration of life. Give those who loved that person a chance to remember and share the beauty of that life with others who are feeling the same way. |
| 4/28/2023 | “My grief lies all within; and these external manner of laments are merely shadows of the unseen grief that swells with silence in the tortur’d soul.” – William Shakespeare, Richard II You get dressed and go about your day wearing a mask. Outsiders have no idea how hurt you still feel. Over time, you have learned how to “look the part” of someone who has recovered from this terrible loss. You may be feeling worried today that the rest of your life will feel like putting on a play, that you will have to hide your true emotions forever. In the months and years to come, however, the balance will shift. You will have to hide your grief less and less as you return to your former self. Don’t feel you have to rush the process, but know that it’s not unusual to worry about its duration. |
| 4/27/2023 | “I’m convinced that the world, more than ever, needs the music only you can make. And if it takes extra courage to keep playing in spite of your loss, many will applaud the effort. And who knows? Others may be inspired to pick up their broken instruments, their broken lives, and begin again.” – Steve Goodier You may have withdrawn from hobbies and pastimes you enjoy. It is hard to take pleasure in leisure activities when you are overcome with the sadness that is the hallmark of grief. Choose something you used to love doing and make a plan to go back to it this week. It could be a playing golf, going for a hike, or bowling with friends. Even if you do an abbreviated version of a favorite hobby, it will be a small, meaningful step towards your recovery. |
| 4/26/2023 | “We don’t really want answers, we don’t want explanations, and we don’t want closure. … We want an end to suffering … but we shouldn’t leave it up to God to alleviate suffering. … He is waiting for us to do it. That’s what we are here for.” – ARON MOSS Turn your focus from how you are feeling to what you are doing. That small shift will make a significant impact on your life. |
| 4/25/2023 | “Mrs. Sussex said Byron’s loss would grow more bearable. But here was the nub: he didn’t want to lose his loss. Loss was all he had left of his mother. If time healed the gap, it would be as if she’d never been there.” – Rachel Joyce, Perfect Grief keeps your relationship with your loved one at the forefront of your life. As it starts to fade, you may feel a sense of loss all over again. Letting go of your grief may be as challenging for you as the grief itself. Allow yourself to evolve and move beyond your sadness without guilt. You were not meant to grieve for anyone indefinitely. |
| 4/24/2023 | “Grief can destroy you – or focus you. You can decide a relationship was all for nothing if it had to end in death, and you alone. Or you can realize that every moment of it had more meaning than you dared to recognize at the time, so much meaning it scared you, so you just lived, just took for granted the love and laughter of each day, and didn’t allow yourself to consider the sacredness of it. But when it’s over and you’re alone, you begin to see it wasn’t just a movie and a dinner together, not just watching sunsets together, not just scrubbing a floor or washing dishes together or worrying over a high electric bill. It was everything, it was the why of life, every event and precious moment of it. The answer to the mystery of existence is the love you shared sometimes so imperfectly, and when the loss wakes you to the deeper beauty of it, to the sanctity of it, you can’t get off your knees for a long time, you’re driven to your knees not by the weight of the loss but by gratitude for what preceded the loss. “And the ache is always there, but one day not the emptiness, because to nurture the emptiness, to take solace in it, is to disrespect the gift of life.” – Dean Koontz, Odd Hours It can be startling how much more you learn about a relationship when it’s over than when you were part of it. One of the hardest parts of death is that now that you’ve had time to figure out the relationship and appreciate its best parts, you don’t have the chance to apply that understanding to it any longer. What you can do, however, is take that learning and apply it to other parts of your life. What did you do well in that relationship and how can you take that understanding and use it to make other partnerships grow stronger? |
| 4/23/2023 | “In grief, part of the pain comes from our feeling that we should not suffer so – that it is fundamentally alien to our being, this even though we all suffer, and frequently. Yet we reject suffering as a basic human truth, while greeting joy as integral to our very substance.” – Wendy Beckett, Sister Wendy’s Meditations on Joy As you start to gain a small amount of perspective on this process, it may be becoming clear to you that sadness and grief are integral parts of who we are as people. We don’t deserve one or the other. They are simply what defines us as human beings. |
| 4/22/2023 | “Maybe this is a second doctoral program: advanced learning about life, death, marriage, mothering, family, faith, patience, prayer. My degree will be ‘Doctor of Life,’ and I will be in good company. So many of us earn our ‘Doctor of Life’ degrees.” – Christina G. Hibbert Psy.D. Like an academic degree, you have been advancing through the stages of grief, being tested along the way. A few years from now you will look back and be amazed that you made it through this period and feel a sense of relief that you were able to survive it. |
| 4/21/2023 | “Suffering ain’t a favor we do for the dead. If Remy was to see me now, he’d want the both of us to carry on without him. Remy knew I loved him while he was here and now he ain’t and that’s an end to it. Ain’t no use in resting in the past nor leaning heavily onto grief.” – Samuel Snoek-Brown, Hagridden Some people seem to walk through grief unscathed. Don’t be fooled. Grief changes everyone. The only difference is that some people are better at compartmentalizing their feelings than others. |
| 4/20/2023 | “Never compare your grief. You – and only you walk your path.” – Nathalie Himmelrich, Grieving Parents: Surviving Loss as a Couple How long did it take you to learn to read? …to drive?…to commit to a relationship? Grief is as personal as every other part of your life. Do not worry because you perceive that your sibling or friend is coping better than you are. Just keep your head looking straight ahead and walk your own path. |
| 4/19/2023 | “We do not have control over many things in life and death but we do have control over the meaning we give it.” – Nathalie Himmelrich, Grieving Parents: Surviving Loss as a Couple Your grief has probably been the driving force in your life for months now. When you’re not actively grieving, you have an awareness that it’s there waiting for you. Although some aspects of it may still make you feel out of control, you have actually reclaimed parts of your life since you first experienced your loss. |
| 4/18/2023 | “Sorrow on another’s face often looks like coldness, bitterness, resentment, unfriendliness, apathy, disdain, or disinterest when it is in truth purely sadness.” – Richelle E. Goodrich Make the effort to reach out to someone who appears closed off or unfriendly. You may discover that they are actually grieving too. |
| 4/17/2023 | “This is the real power of joy, to make us certain that, beneath all grief, the most fundamental of realities is joy itself.” – Wendy Beckett, Sister Wendy’s Meditations on Joy The percentages of joy and sorrow in your life have been skewed for a long time. The sorrow has been dominant and the happiness has been fleeting. A large component of your healing is restoring the balance between these opposite emotions. |
| 4/16/2023 | “She was no longer wrestling with the grief, but could sit down with it as a lasting companion and make it a sharer in her thoughts.” – George Eliot Somehow, your grief just becomes another part of you. It doesn’t happen overnight, but at some point you will become aware that it is just another component of your character. |
| 4/15/2023 | “When my mother died, I thought I’d drown in sorrow. But my grandmother said something very wise, and I’ve always held it close to my heart. She said that not even the sea is infinite, and neither is grief.” – Teresa Frohock What advice would you give to someone who is grieving? Your ability to answer that question today proves that you are making progress in your own grief process. |
| 4/14/2023 | “What were you going to make for Christmas dinner?” one of my older children asked in a very reasonable tone. I cleared my throat, but couldn’t speak. There was no real explanation for my behavior. I’d been so intent on getting through this first Christmas without David. I’d found new rituals to replace the old, wrapped gifts, and even made cutout sugar cookies. I’d modified Christmas in order to endure it. What I hadn’t done was plan on or prepare a Christmas meal. Everyone was looking at me expectantly by this point, including my sweet, hungry grandchildren. “I forgot all about Christmas dinner,” I finally admitted. No one batted an eye.” – Mary Potter Kenyon, Refined By Fire: A Journey of Grief and Grace You may find yourself devoting lots of energy in certain parts of your life while almost completely neglecting other parts. Restoring balance takes a lot longer than you may realize. The key is to maintain a sense of patience and even humor about the inevitable mistakes you will make as you rebuild your life from this loss. |
| 4/13/2023 | “You have no idea how well you are doing,” John complimented me just a few minutes after he mentioned the Christmas card. What did that mean: That I was doing well? That I’d come to a family gathering? That I’d remembered to bring food? That I was dressed, and my hair combed? That I was wearing shoes? I wasn’t sure, but maybe just making an appearance at a family event meant I was handling things well.” – Mary Potter Kenyon, Refined By Fire: A Journey of Grief and Grace You may be feeling a bit conflicted. You want to be doing “better” in your grief process, yet it is somehow irritating when people don’t realize how hard it still is in so many ways. Having a wide range of emotions even months after your loss is normal. It’s as if you are a teenager again and you don’t really know what you want. Like the teenage years, however, this period will seem long when you are in it, but won’t last forever. |
| 4/12/2023 | “When my late father died – now I’m in mourning for my late mother – that sense of grief and bereavement suddenly taught me that so many things that I thought were important, externals, etc., all of that is irrelevant. You lose a parent, you suddenly realize what a slender thing life is, how easily you can lose those you love. Then out of that comes a new simplicity and that is why sometimes all the pain and the tears lift you to a much higher and deeper joy when you say to the bad times, “I will not let you go until you bless me.” – Jonathan Sacks Mark your calendar or put a reminder on your phone to look back at this period one year from now. Find at least one thing you have learned from this experience that you think has made you a better person. It may surprise you to see that there are actually some positive gains that arise out of this terrible experience. |
| 4/11/2023 | “They say (she had read somewhere) that no one ever disappears, up in the atmosphere, stratosphere, whatever you call space–atoms infinitely minute, beyond conception of existence, are up there forever, from the whole world, from all time.” – Nadine Gordimer Sometimes it brings people comfort to “talk” to their loved ones. Simply saying out loud what you would say to them can be cathartic. No matter your belief system, the temporary feeling that you can say what you want to say to your loved one can help clear your mind as you slowly heal from this loss. |
| 4/10/2023 | “In the midst of the darkness of loss, I found light. Admittedly, in those first weeks, it might have been but a single small spark I sensed deep inside of me, but that spark guided me in the twisted, dark journey of grief. As I stumbled over the roots of hopelessness and despair, that light grew to illuminate my path, a path I sometimes felt very alone on. At some point in the journey I’d turned around, and there was God. That is grace.” – Mary Potter Kenyon, Refined By Fire: A Journey of Grief and Grace Look carefully today for a spark of hope. Even in your darkest moments, you will find it is there. |
| 4/9/2023 | “No one can take your grief from you; it belongs to you and you alone.” – Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Princess You can’t expect someone else to take control of your grieving process. Friends and family can advise you, but it is up to you and you alone to take charge of your own emotions. You know when you are ready and when you need to push yourself a bit beyond what is comfortable. Do not take on the role of a passive observer in your own life. |
| 4/8/2023 | “Unfortunately, there is no expiration date on grief” – Elizabeth Czukas Did you think that your grief period would be over in three months, that it would be complete within a year? Put away your calendar. You will feel frustrated if you put a timetable on this process. Just know that grieving will continue for you at your own unique pace. Try to focus on the fact that there are no expectations, no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ ways to grieve. Taking the pressure off of yourself will actually help your process to flow more naturally and with less stress. |
| 4/7/2023 | “Those who have endured the scars of life, sorrows of the Heart, the grief of loss, pain of body, mind or spirit, and have fathomed the unexplainable sufferings of life have the greatest capacity to Love and live a joyful life by opening their hearts to the promptings of compassion. Love is seeing yourself in the sufferings of others and Joy is your service to them.” – Tom Hackett This loss has stretched open your heart in ways you could not have predicted. Reach out and connect to someone who needs you. Do something today to start to re-fill that empty place. |
| 4/6/2023 | “Accepting death doesn’t mean you won’t be devastated when someone you love dies. It means you will be able to focus on your grief, unburdened by bigger existential questions like, “Why do people die?” and “Why is this happening to me?” Death isn’t happening to you. Death is happening to us all.” – Caitlin Doughty This loss feels very personal, and it is. The emotions that it evokes are, in many ways, unique to you. Your friends and relatives may be grieving very differently than you are, and this disparity can be unsettling at times. In the weeks and months to come, however, you will start to rationalize what has happened. Loss, while devastating, is a part of our human existence. Although the emotional acceptance is slow and painful, you may be ready to start accepting it intellectually. That is an important first step in coming to terms with what has happened. |
| 4/5/2023 | “I aspire to be the widow my husband would be proud of….still.” – Mary Lee Robinson Do you think that your loved one would want you to give up on life because of his or her death? Take a moment today to reflect on who your loved one would want you to be. |
| 4/4/2023 | “…I told her that letting go is not a choice, in many ways. You try to move on, perhaps. But it comes of its own accord, in the end; it happens when it is ready to, and it mostly comes by without announcement or being noticed at all. I’ll always miss my husband. I won’t ever be the person I was before… You don’t mend fully, I tell her. But you mend enough, in time.” – Susan Fletcher, The Silver Dark Sea Emotionally, you are probably not where you thought you would be a year ago. Your mind, heart, and body have been through so much in these past months. For many people, making peace with a loss takes years. The changes are so gradual, that you may be convinced that you will never recover. We don’t recover when we want to, we recover when we can. Be patient with yourself, and trust that while there will be many setbacks, you will eventually find a place of acceptance. |
| 4/3/2023 | “The importance of humor is primarily to puncture fixed ideas – to make us step back and realize that our situation, whatever it may be, is, in the grand scheme of things, always contingent and arbitrary and ephemeral. And that helps us to deal with our emotions and to keep going. Holding on to one perspective, on the other hand, whether it takes the form of grief or anger or a particular political standpoint, is often destructive to us and to those around us” – Paul Murray Have you laughed recently? You may have chuckled or had a small giggle, but have you had a big, belly laugh? You may not really, truly “laugh until your cry” at all this year; you may not be ready to let go and laugh fully. When that moment does finally come, try to see it as a triumph. It is a signal that you can live life and embrace joy again. |
| 4/2/2023 | “Caring for others tends to be the first cut when we review our personal time budget. It does not necessarily fulfill the goals of my ambition; it will not pave the way for my success; it takes away from my own depleted emotional resources. It is an imposition in every way. To some of us, it is an inconvenience from which we unashamedly run. We have become experts in maintaining a grand scope of friendships and amateurs in genuine intimacy and care. Unwittingly, we have sacrificed everything on the altar of self-sufficiency – only to discover that we have sold our souls to isolation.” – Sandy Oshiro Rosen, Bare: The Misplaced Art of Grieving and Dancing Take a few minutes to write, call, or text a friend today who you may have neglected during this grieving period. These relationships need to be nurtured. While it may not be easy to reach out when you’re still not feeling like yourself, but the rewards are worth the effort. |
| 4/1/2023 | “I know this: there is no sense to grief. There is no pattern or shape or texture, and there are no books or stories which can lessen the pain at losing a person you have loved, and will always love. There are no rules, with loss.” – Susan Fletcher, The Silver Dark Sea Some days, you may feel like your grief has faded to a certain degree while others may be hugely challenging. Unlike other large changes in your life, the pattern of your emotions are unpredictable with grief. Continue to be patient with yourself as you experience a wide range of feelings and responses. |
| 3/31/2023 | “Even when it seems that there is no one else, always remember there’s one person who never ceased to love you – yourself.” – Sanhita Baruah Through all of this, don’t forget to look out for yourself. Your health, contentment, and well being continue to matter. |
| 3/30/2023 | “We talk about how he and Leanne are doing knowing full well there is no sufficient answer.” – Michael Perry From the outside, people may now assume you’re doing fine. They may no longer even ask you about your loss, yet it may still be all-consuming. Remember that there are always other people who want to talk about their own losses and listen to you talk about yours. Even though time has passed, do not hesitate to join or rejoin a support group either online or in person. You may need it now more than in those first weeks when others were encouraging you to talk about your feelings. |
| 3/29/2023 | “It had been many months since I’d shed tears for Tomaso, but grief is like that. It’s not a continuous process; it comes in waves. You can keep it at bay for a time, like a dam holding back a lake, but then something triggers an explosion inside of you, shattering the wall and letting loose a flood.” – Paul Adam, Paganini’s Ghost Like a flood, the shock of an unexpected onset of grief saturates every part of you. You literally can feel like you are drowning. Just like actual flood waters, however, the grief will recede back again. This flood of emotions is never easy to manage, but will be less frequent as you heal. |
| 3/28/2023 | “One of the grubby truths about a loss is that you don’t just mourn the dead person, you mourn the person you got to be when the lost one was alive. This loss might even be what affects you the most.” – Meghan O’Rourke, The Long Goodbye You may resent the fact that you can never go back to being a person who hasn’t suffered a great loss. That is normal. Take a moment today to appreciate some of the growth that this loss has cultivated, such as increased compassion, empathy, and sensitivity to others. While you would never hope to have a loss, you can start to see how its impact has led to a degree of personal growth. |
| 3/27/2023 | “Grief dares us to love once more.” – Terry Tempest Williams, Refuge: An Unnatural History of Family and Place Your loss created a void in your life, an empty place that feels almost like an open wound. Over time, your desire to fill it will increase, but you will never “replace” your loved one. Rather, that place will fill from unexpected sources: the casual friend who evolves into a trusted confidant, the sibling who used to be “too busy” to talk becomes your most treasured family member. You just need to be open to rebuilding your emotional life into a composition that you did not anticipate. |
| 3/26/2023 | “Rejection is one of the worse forms of pain. Loss is the worst. Grief haunts until you allow yourself to move on.” – Angelica Hopes As unreasonable as it may sound, there are times when you may feel a sense of rejection from your loved one’s death. You may even be asking why you have to cope with this great loss at all. No matter the circumstances, you need to see that no part of it was intended to make you feel alone. If it is still hard to accept that the death was not intended to bring this pain, then you may want to consider talking to someone to help you resolve this. |
| 3/25/2023 | “She needed to recover. His father had died in January; it was only the end of May. They needed to stick to the routine they’d established during the intervening months. in that way, their life would return to its original shape, like a spring stretched in bad times but contracting eventually into happiness. That the world could come permanently unsprung had never occurred to him.” – David Wroblewski, The Story of Edgar Sawtelle If you knew what the grief process to this point would entail at the time of your loss would you have believed it? Would you have thought you could make it to today? Well, you did make it, and it is important for you to focus on the fact that you have survived. You are stronger than you think you are. |
| 3/24/2023 | “When someone you love dies, you get a big bowl of sadness put down in front of you, steaming hot. You can start eating now, or you can let it cool and eat it bit by bit later on. Either way, you end up eating the whole thing. There’s really no way around it.” – Ralph Fletcher, Fig Pudding There are so many metaphors for how you are feeling. People write them to try to show that grief is a universal experience, so that you don’t feel isolated. While everyone’s grief is unique, it is the commonality of it that joins together those who have lost someone close to them. |
| 3/23/2023 | “What made losing someone you loved bearable was not remembering but forgetting. Forgetting small things first… it’s amazing how much you could forget, and everything you forgot made that person less alive inside you until you could finally endure it. After more time passed you could let yourself remember, even want to remember. But even then what you felt those first days could return and remind you the grief was still there, like old barbed wire embedded in a tree’s heartwood.” – Ron Rash, Serena You may be battling in your head between wanting to forget and wanting to remember. In time, you will reach the balance where you have a bit of both. |
| 3/22/2023 | “And this evening when I close my eyes against the darkness and think about her, I’ll imagine iridescent wings fluttering, if only for a moment, against cloudless blue skies.” – Nancy Stephan, The Truth About Butterflies: A Memoir Don’t be disappointed if your loved one has not appeared in your dreams. That will happen, and it is a moment to treasure. |
| 3/21/2023 | “Grief was like a newborn, and the first three months were hard as hell, but by six months you’d recognized defeat, shifted your life around, and made room for it.” – Ann Brashares, Sisterhood Everlasting Continuing with the simile that grief is like a newborn – when grief is new you cry all the time and your new world is a mystery to you. As you grow, you learn to handle your needs and disappointments, but there are still times when you will cry. You may still feel like a ‘newborn’ or have moved on in your evolution. Remember that along the way, you will fall down and cry, but you will learn how to cope better with time and experience. |
| 3/20/2023 | “I’d long thought that a surfeit of sensitivity could be a killing thing, too much insight malignant in its own right. The best survivors–there are studies that show it–are those blessed with an inordinate ability to deny. And keep on marching.” – Jonathan Kellerman, Blood Test There may be times when it is easier to pretend that your loss never happened. While you intellectually will always know it took place, you may need to turn off that part of your emotions to give yourself a break from the sorrow. |
| 3/19/2023 | “June is gone. For the first time, the enormity of that hits me. Every muscle aches, my heart most of all. I am throbbing with how much I miss her. It hurts worse than anything. I don’t know how I’m supposed to be expected to live day to day carrying this kind of pain. I don’t know how I’m supposed to go out there, spread her ashes, and let her go. I want to stop running away from everything. I want to find something to run toward.” – Hannah Harrington, Saving June You are still having that year of firsts…the first birthday, the first long weekend, the first new year’s day without your loved one. It is hard because each first is a reminder that your life has permanently changed. Once this first year is over, however, you know that you can make it through the birthdays and through the holidays. They will always have a degree of difficulty to them, but for most people the first year is the hardest. |
| 3/18/2023 | “Every hour that passed added to her grief, because it bore her further away from the living man, and because it was a tiny foretaste of the eternity she would have to spend without him. Again and again she found herself forgetting, for the space of a heartbeat, that he was gone forever and that she could not turn to him for comfort.” – J.K. Rowling, The Casual Vacancy Go online or to your favorite newspaper to find out the names of the books on the bestsellers list. Escape into a good book – one that takes you to another place or time. There is something so peaceful and soothing about relaxing with a good book, and it will help you feel calm as you cope with the stress of your loss. |
| 3/17/2023 | “Among other things, Kathryn knew, grief was physically exhausting.” – Anita Shreve, The Pilot’s Wife Grief can affect your sleep patterns. You may be sleeping more or less than normal. If you find that your sleep is significantly different since your loss, then you should be sure to see your healthcare provider. |
| 3/16/2023 | “What people resist is not change per se, but loss.” – Ronald A. Heifetz, The Practice of Adaptive Leadership: Tools and Tactics for Changing Your Organization and the World” The changes that have happened are not what you or anyone would have wanted. As part of your healing, you need to make some positive changes. They could be a hobby or skill or even something as simple as developing a healthy habit. Make changes that bring you joy. |
| 3/15/2023 | “There is a point when grief exceeds the human capacity to emote, and as a result one is strangely composed” – Abraham Verghese, Cutting for Stone At the beginning of your grieving process, you may have felt like your life was going through the motions. It was like being in shock. Because of that, you may only now be starting to feel strong emotions about your loss or your feelings may have changed. That is why they refer to grief as a process. |
| 3/14/2023 | “The only language she could speak was grief. How could he not know that? Instead, she said, “I love you.” She did. She loved him. But even that didn’t feel like anything anymore.” – Ann Hood, The Knitting Circle When you are grieving, it becomes the dominant emotion in your life. While it may feel like no other emotion will thrive again, it will. You just need to be patient and trust that you will return to your old self in time. |
| 3/13/2023 | “Sydney discovers that she minds the loss of her mourning. When she grieved, she felt herself to be intimately connected to Daniel. But with each passing day, he floats away from her. When she thinks about him now, it is more as a lost possibility than as a man. She has forgotten his breath, his musculature.” – Anita Shreve, Body Surfing Your grief will be a strong presence in your life for the next couple of years. Strangely, it will be something you become accustomed to over time. It will eventually fade into the background of your life. |
| 3/12/2023 | “Loving someone means that you will inevitably grieve for them; love is an engraved invitation for grief.” – Sunshine O’Donnell, Open Me Continue to treasure the love you have for your loved one. By having loved, you can love again. |
| 3/11/2023 | “The difference between shallow happiness and a deep, sustaining joy is sorrow. Happiness lives where sorrow is not. When sorrow arrives, happiness dies. It can’t stand pain. Joy, on the other hand, rises from sorrow and therefore can withstand all grief. Joy, by the grace of God, is the transfiguration of suffering into endurance, and of endurance into character, and of character into hope–and the hope that has become our joy does not (as happiness must for those who depend up on it) disappoint us.” – Walter Wangerin Jr., Reliving the Passion: Meditations on the Suffering, Death, and the Resurrection of Jesus as Recorded in Mark. You will endure this experience. There will undoubtedly be pain, but the joys in your life will help you to survive it. |
| 3/10/2023 | “Psychoanalysis is often about turning our ghosts into ancestors, even for patients who have not lost loved ones to death. We are often haunted by important relationships from the past that influence us unconsciously in the present. As we work them through, they go from haunting us to becoming simply part of our history. (243)” – Norman Doidge, The Brain That Changes Itself: Stories of Personal Triumph from the Frontiers of Brain Science Your loss has changed who you are. As with any difficult experience, you will look back in a few years and know how it has changed you. |
| 3/9/2023 | “Remember that grief is a necessary pain. It’s your only way to heal. To starve it will destroy you.”~The Grimoire” – S.M. Boyce, Lichgates Do not hold back your tears, your words, and your feelings. Grieving is not always pretty, but it is how we heal our hearts from great loss. |
| 3/8/2023 | “He felt lighter than he had in weeks, and he realized that the monster he had been running from wasn’t really a monster after all. It was simply that place in the heart that holds the measure of your history, the joy and the grief, the laughter and the tears, the magic and the wonder; all the ingredients that add up to the story of a life well lived.” – Lilli Jolgren Day, The Wonder of Ordinary Magic When you start to find some happiness again, you will feel physically lighter and more energetic than you have in months. If this has not happened for you yet, try not to be discouraged. As with all things with the heart and mind, everyone’s pace is different. |
| 3/7/2023 | “I know now what was happening to me, what was overwhelming me, what was about to consume and almost destroy me. Didier had even given me a name for it – assassin grief, he’d once called it: the kind of grief that lies in wait and attacks you from ambush, with no warning and no mercy. I know now that assassin grief can hide for years and then strike suddenly on the happiest day, without discernible reason or exegesis. But on that day, … almost a year after Khader’s death, I couldn’t understand the dark and trembling mood that was moving in me, swelling to the sorrow I’d too long denied. I couldn’t understand it, so i tried to fight it as a man fights pain or despair. But you can’t bite down on assassin grief and will it away. The enemy stalks you, step for step, and knows your every move before you make it. The enemy is your own grieving heart and, when it strikes, it can’t miss.” – Gregory David Roberts, Shantaram Out of the blue, you will feel sadness that you did not expect. Don’t let that blast of emotion make your feel discouraged. It will happen even years after your loss when some trigger reminds you of your loved one. What you can do is to try to build the best life for yourself that you can, knowing that at times your sadness will appear without warning. |
| 3/6/2023 | “I had always turned to books, to knowledge, to help me get through everything in my life – and, sometimes, to escape it. But grief was a journey through a forest of razor blades. I walked through every painful inch of it – no shortcuts and no anesthesia.” – Michele Bardsley, Don’t Talk Back To Your Vampire Arrange to go to the movies with a friend or relative. The act of planning an afternoon or evening out is a positive step towards returning to a more normal routine, and films can provide a great way to escape from your daily activities. |
| 3/5/2023 | “What madness, to love a man as something more than human! I lived in a fever, convulsed with tears and sighs that allowed me neither rest nor peace of mind. My soul was a burden, bruised and bleeding. It was tired of the man who carried it, but I found no place to set it down to rest. Neither the charm of the countryside nor the sweet scents of a garden could soothe it. It found no peace in song or laughter, none in the company of friends at table or in the pleasures of love, none even in books or poetry. Everything that was not what my friend had been was dull and distasteful. I had heart only for sighs and tears, for in them alone I found some shred of consolation.” – Augustine of Hippo When you are ready, put on a dance or party song that you love and allow yourself to dance. Take that three or four minutes for yourself to feel alive and joyful. |
| 3/4/2023 | “A person whose head is bowed and whose eyes are heavy cannot look at the light.” – Christine de Pizan, Ditié de Jehanne d’Arc Take an empty grocery bag and walk around your neighborhood. Pick up any trash you see along your route, and dispose of it in the bag. Work towards making your environment more beautiful every day. |
| 3/3/2023 | “Everyone who lives long enough to love deeply will experience great losses. Don’t let fear of loss, or the losses themselves, take away your ability to enjoy the wonderful life that is yours.” – Barbara “Cutie” Cooper, Fall in Love for Life: Inspiration from a 73-Year Marriage You may be leery of losing someone else, because your loss is still new. Try not to let that impede your ability to connect with people in your life now. |
| 3/2/2023 | “When things get really bad, you take comfort in the placeness of a place.” – Banana Yoshimoto, The Lake Buy some fresh flowers for your home. They symbolize life and hope, two things that you need to focus on right now. |
| 3/1/2023 | “I realized that it was not that I didn’t want to go on without him. I did. It was just that I didn’t know why I wanted to go on” – Kay Redfield Jamison, Nothing Was the Same Do something that you have never done before. This doesn’t mean skydiving or running a marathon. Make your bed every day, clean out your kitchen drawers, take a class at a community college. Do something new that takes your mind in a new direction. Don’t allow your grief to stop you from growing as a person. |
| 2/28/2023 | “Still everyone, including the abbot, had said that he was running away from his grief. They’d had no idea what they were talking about. He’d cradled his grief, almost to the point of loving it. For so long he refused to give it up, because leaving it behind was like leaving her.” – Sue Monk Kidd, The Mermaid Chair It can be hard to recognize the fact that you feel some guilt trying to move on from your loss. That guilt is normal, and should not become a source of additional pain. |
| 2/27/2023 | “You can’t love your mother or father if you don’t also have the capacity to grieve their deaths and, perhaps even more so, grieve parts of their lives.” – Glenn Beck, The 7: Seven Wonders That Will Change Your Life It has been said that you never really grow up until you lose your parents. It feels almost like a rite of passage, but one that takes a long time to process and come to terms with before you can appreciate how much it changed you. |
| 2/26/2023 | “Then one morning she’d begun to feel her sorrow easing, like something jagged that had cut into her so long it had finally dulled its edges, worn itself down. That same day Rachel couldn’t remember which side her father had parted his hair on, and she’d realized again what she’d learned at five when her mother left – that what made losing someone you loved bearable was not remembering but forgetting. Forgetting the small things first, the smell of the soap her mother had bathed with, the color of the dress she’d worn to church, then after a while the sound of her mother’s voice, the color of her hair. It amazed Rachel how much you could forget, and everything you forgot made that person less alive inside you until you could finally endure it. After more time passed you could let yourself remember, even want to remember. But even then what you felt those first days could return and remind you the grief that was still there, like old barbed wire embedded in a tree’s heartwood. (51)” – Ron Rash, Serena Sometimes being able to forget aspects of your loved one is more helpful to your healing than remembering. If there are small aspects of him or her that you forget, do not feel guilty about it or wrack your brain trying to remember them. You need to allow yourself to heal, and part of that process can be forgetting aspects of that person or relationship. |
| 2/25/2023 | “Just when normal life felt almost possible – when the world held some kind of order, meaning, even loveliness (the prismatic spray of light through an icicle; the stillness of a sunrise), some small thing would go awry and the veil of optimism was torn away, the barren world revealed. They learned, somehow, to wait those times out. There was no cure, no answer, no reparation.” – David Wroblewski, The Story of Edgar Sawtelle Know that when the bad moments come – and they will invariably come – they will not last forever. You will start to have more good times than tough times. The balance will eventually shift such that you begin to feel like yourself again. It may not happen this year, but it will eventually happen. |
| 2/24/2023 | “I walk slowly, but I never walk backward.” – Abraham Lincoln It cannot be said enough…you are making progress in your grieving. It will never feel fast enough, but at some point you will realize that you are improving and slowly letting joy back into your life. |
| 2/23/2023 | “One small crack does not mean that you are broken, it means that you were put to the test and you didn’t fall apart.” – Linda Poindexter It will take several years, but you will look back on this period and feel a sense of pride that you made it. |
| 2/22/2023 | “Be not afraid of growing slowly, be afraid only of standing still.” – Chinese Proverb Are you feeling frustrated that grief is still such a big part of your active thinking every day? Think back a month ago. You are making slow and steady progress. |
| 2/21/2022 | “The people who have the best advice are usually the ones who have been through the most.” – Anonymous Some day, you will be an enormous comfort to someone else who is experiencing loss. There is a wisdom that comes from this terrible journey you are on right now. |
| 2/20/2023 | “And I pray that you no longer seek happiness from the past, but rather you set your sails forward, to a land that is pure and wonderful.” – T.B. LaBerge Building new memories is as important as taking your next breath. Do not stop living because you are grieving. Find opportunities to celebrate with others and find joy in the day to day activities of life. |
| 2/19/2023 | “It’s possible to go on, no matter how impossible it seems, and that in time, the grief … lessens. It may not go away completely, but after a while it’s not so overwhelming.” – Nicholas Sparks The size and scale of your grief changes subtly over time. It ebbs and flows like the tides, and then suddenly it is smaller than it was. One of the hardest parts of grieving is being patient with yourself as you wait for it to lessen. |
| 2/18/2023 | “But the struggles make you stronger and the changes make you wise. And happiness has its own way of taking its sweet time.” – Gary Allen It will be so liberating to wake up and feel contentment, rather than disappointment that your loss is there to greet you. True happiness returns slowly, but know that it will come. |
| 2/17/2023 | “Stop holding on to what hurts, and start making room for what feels good.” – Unknown You can grieve and miss your loved one without focusing on the pain of the loss. Mourn and cry, but let go of the anger & fear. |
| 2/16/2023 | “Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back, everything is different.” – C.S. Lewis Change happens so slowly that it is hard to see without looking back. You have made progress in your healing. It may not be progress that you are acutely aware of, but it is there. Feel some pride today in the work you have done, and hope in what you will do moving forward. |
| 2/15/2023 | “Never regret a day in your life. Good days give you happiness and bad days give you experience. Both are essential in life.” – Anonymous It is easy to look back and wish you had made different choices. “If only I had done this or said that.” You can only live in the moment and do your best today. |
| 2/14/2023 | “Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anybody can start today and make a new ending.” – Maria Robinson You’ve probably been spending a lot of time looking back and reflecting on times you spent with your loved one. Don’t forget to look forward as well. |
| 2/13/2023 | “Live in the present, remember the past, and fear not the future, for it doesn’t exist and never shall. There is only now.” – Christopher Paolini Try to live in the moment. What do you need to do right now? Can you do it? Yes – you can. Living in the moment will help you start to put your loss into perspective. It is a part of who you are right now, but it is not the only part. |
| 2/12/2023 | “Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear.” – Ambrose Redmoon It is scary to face the world without someone you love as part of it. Find the strength to go and engage with others today. Show an interest in another person that lets them know you can be a true friend. |
| 2/11/2023 | “That was the hard thing about grief, and the grieving. They spoke another language, and the words we knew always fell short of what we wanted them to say.” – Sarah Dessen, The Truth About Forever The easiest people with whom to talk about your grief are those who have also lost someone. Those who have not want to comfort you, and want to show that they care. Until you have been through loss, however, you are only guessing at what it is truly like. |
| 2/10/2023 | “It’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see.” – Henry David Thoreau Look at something today that represents beauty to you. It might be the face of someone you love or a fresh flower in bloom. Appreciate the beauty around you. |
| 2/9/2023 | “We meet no ordinary people in our lives.” – C.S. Lewis What was the most unique thing about your loved one? We don’t always stop to think about what makes someone stand out, yet each person brings something special to the table. What is unique about you? Take a moment today and celebrate both of you. |
| 2/8/2023 | “We are products of our past, but we don’t have to be prisoners of it.” – Rick Warren Your loved one helped make you the person you are today, and you had the same role for your loved one. In time, your memories will bring you joy and not sorrow. This evolution will take time, but it will come if you are open to it. |
| 2/7/2023 | “You are, after all, what you think. Your emotions are the slaves to your thoughts, and you are the slave to your emotions.” – Elizabeth Gilbert Take one moment today to think: “I may be sad, but I am going to be ok. I will slowly start to feel like myself again.” Always remember that thoughts are things. |
| 2/6/2023 | “Starting today, I need to forget what’s gone, appreciate what still remains, and look forward to what’s coming next.” – Unknown Having something to look forward to is an important part of healing. Make a plan – be it lunch with a friend, tickets to an upcoming concert or show, or even booking a getaway weekend – that allows you to look forward rather than constantly looking back. |
| 2/5/2023 | “Change is the friction that makes you grow.” – Anonymous You have been grieving so long now that it has become the new normal. Allow yourself an hour today where you do something you enjoy that takes your head somewhere else. You could read a magazine, watch a movie, or enjoy a favorite television show. |
| 2/4/2023 | “Never get tired of doing little things for others, sometimes those little things occupy the biggest parts of their hearts.” – Unknown Nothing takes you out of your own thoughts of sadness like the joy that comes from doing something for someone else. Make time today to show a kindness to someone in your life. |
| 2/3/2023 | “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” – Plato When you are feeling so sad and overwhelmed, it sometimes appears that everyone else is happy and content. In fact, everyone has his/her own struggles. While it may not be grief, what they are facing can be equally tough to bear. Most people put on a mask to hide their sadness, and you may be doing so to a certain degree as well. Be good to the people you meet. Show them compassion, knowing that they too have sadness to bear. |
| 2/2/2023 | “Goodbyes are only for those who love with their eyes. Because for those who love with heart and soul there is no separation. ” -Rumi Every once in a while, when you least expect it, you will say something and hear your loved one’s voice as your own. Those moments are fleeting, but are truly one of the greatest gifts. |
| 2/1/2023 | “I think validation is one of the most beautiful gifts we can give the grieving.” – Angie Cartwright When the opportunity arises, write a note or take the time to call someone who has experienced a loss. Be a real listener when they want to talk, and be a shoulder to cry on when they need to weep. Providing comfort to someone else will help heal your heart as well. |
| 1/31/2023 | “Nothing ever goes away until it teaches us what we need to know.” Pema Chodron Take a moment, either in a journal or on a scrap of paper, to write down the most important thing you learned about yourself from the person you lost. You may have learned that you are more patient than you realized, that you love more deeply than you knew, or that you are loyal. Every person gives us a gift, and it is valuable to recognize each one as the precious treasure it is. |
| 1/30/2023 | I still miss those I loved who are no longer with me but I find I am grateful for having loved them. The gratitude has finally conquered the loss. — Rita Mae Brown It takes a very long time to feel gratitude for the relationship you had with the person you lost. There is always a part of you that will long for one more hour together. |
| 1/29/2023 | An important way to cope with grief is having an outlet, be it interpersonal, be it artistic, that will allow you to not have to contain your grief, but will give you an opportunity to express it, to externalize it to some degree. —R. Benyamin Cirlin, Grief counselor Consider taking a class in a topic that interests you. It could be an academic subject, a skill, or a sport. Alternatively, join a new club like a book discussion group or a political campaign. While you will most likely enjoy the experience of learning and being involved, one of the greatest benefits is that you will meet people who don’t know you as someone who is grieving. It can become a place to connect with others without having to be reminded of your loss. |
| 1/28/2023 | The caterpillar dies so the butterfly could be born. And, yet, the caterpillar lives in the butterfly and they are but one. So, when I die, it will be that I have been transformed from the caterpillar of earth to the butterfly of the universe. – John Harricharan Even though it is so hard to say goodbye to the people we love, they truly live on in those left behind. The skills they taught or the stories they told become your skills and your stories to pass along to someone else. Make the best parts of your loved one live on in you and those around you. |
| 1/27/2023 | When someone you love becomes a memory, the memory becomes a treasure. ~ Anonymous Take a moment today to look at a photo, watch a home movie, or hold an object that reminds you of a special time with your loved one. Laugh, cry, and remember. Put that memory in a special place in your heart to treasure always. |
| 1/26/2023 | There are things that we don’t want to happen but have to accept, things we don’t want to know but have to learn, and people we can’t live without but have to let go. ~Anonymous You may not have reached a place of acceptance about your loss yet. There are people in your life who may assume you have come to terms with what has happened, but that may not be the case. Do not waste a moment feeling badly if you still wake up in a state of disbelief. Losing someone who was a part of your life is not something that you can ever take lightly. Even if the passing was expected, the feeling of loss is often much more powerful than you thought it would be. Continue to be patient with yourself. The acceptance may take a long time, but it will eventually come. With that acceptance will be a sense of peace that will help with your healing process. |
| 1/25/2023 | “A lot of things are inherent in life -change, birth, death, aging, illness, accidents, calamities, and losses of all kinds- but these events don’t have to be the cause of ongoing suffering…If we dwelt on these positive states as much as we generally dwell on our negative thoughts and painful emotions, our lives would be transformed.” – Gina Lake, What about Now?: Reminders for Being in the Moment Grab three scraps of paper and a pen. On each individual piece, write one thing in life that you love. It could be something simple like the smell of cookies in the oven or the feeling of hope that something special is in the mail when you hear the letter carrier delivering it. They don’t have to be big or important, but you do have to find three. Then, at different times during the day today, try to remember that there are parts of life that make you happy, even though it seems like all you live with is sadness. |
| 1/24/2023 | Love is an engraved invitation to grief.” – Sunshine O’Donnell, Open Me Take a moment today to look at your loss from another perspective. Do you wish that you hadn’t had that special relationship? Do you wish that you hadn’t had the closeness that you now miss so much? If the answer is no, then take 5 minutes to look back and remember 2 memories that make you happy. Try to practice celebrating what was special about the one you lost. |
| 1/23/2023 | “Isn’t it weird,” I said, “the way you remember things, when someone’s gone?” What do you mean?” I ate another piece of waffle. “When my dad first died, all I could think about was that day. It’s taken me so long to be able to think back to before that, to everything else.” Wes was nodding before I even finished. “It’s even worse when someone’s sick for a long time,” he said. “You forget they were ever healthy, ever okay. It’s like there was never a time when you weren’t waiting for something awful to happen.” But there was,” I said. “I mean, it’s only been in the last few months that I’ve started remembering all this good stuff, funny stuff about my dad. I can’t believe I ever forgot it in the first place.” You didn’t forget,” Wes said, taking a sip of his water. “You just couldn’t remember right then. But now you’re ready to, so you can.” I thought about this as I finished off my waffle.” – Sarah Dessen, The Truth About Forever The day will come when you can legitimately enjoy a memory without it being clouded by sadness. To look back on your loved one’s life with fondness and not through tears is a treasured gift. |
| 1/22/2023 | “And perhaps there is a limit to the grieving that the human heart can do. As when one adds salt to a tumbler of water, there comes a point where simply no more will be absorbed.” – Sarah Waters, The Little Stranger How long have I felt this way? It feels like forever. As each milestone, each birthday or holiday passes, you will start to feel a very small sense of relief. You made it through the birthday or the anniversary. Those events will always connect you to your loss, but it is never as hard as the first time. As you work through those moments, know that you are building your foundation of strength. Next year will be just a little bit easier. |
| 1/21/2023 | “Grief does not change you. It reveals you.” – John Green, The Fault in Our Stars Your grief may be the greatest challenge you have ever faced, and will test you unlike any other. In the end, you will develop a level of empathy and a strength of character that you did not know you could have. You will not be able to see the results of this process for months or even years, but know that you will grow from it. |
| 1/20/2023 | “There are some who would vow that life isn’t fair. They believe the worst is yet to come, that evil will always conquer good, and that we have no control over our fate. It’s true, there are storms that shake our foundations and monsters that threaten to tear us limb from limb. We will make terrible mistakes. We will fall short of our expectations. No one is exempt from pain and fear. But life, and what comes after, is a beautiful mixture of darkness and light, sacrifice and salvation. There is no fine line between the two, for both are needed. Where there is grief, there will be joy. Where there is heartbreak, love will follow.” Rebecca Harris Life never feels fair when you have lost someone you love. Have you ever thought that life is unfair when you experienced joy? Our lives are all a mix of the highs of joy and the lows of grief. As hard as that is to hear right now, the feelings you are experiencing are as inevitable as the elation you felt at other times. Trying to cope with these lows is a struggle for everyone. Take time today to acknowledge that although this is a hard time, the great times will come again to create balance in your life. |
| 1/19/2023 | “It occurred to me that grief is like a tunnel. You enter it without a choice because you must get to the other side. The darkness of it plays tricks on you and sometimes you can even forget where you are or what your purpose is. I believe that people, now and again, get lost or stuck in that tunnel…” Loretta Nyhan, Empire Girls Are you worried that you won’t find your way out of the tunnel of grief? There is always a light to follow. With time and effort, you may work your way to find the other side. If you are struggling, you may need to seek out a support group or a trusted friend to help you see that light, but do not give up! The key right now is to know that you can absolutely find a way out. |
| 1/18/2023 | “Yet that grief and this joy were alike outside all the ordinary conditions of life; they were loop-holes, as it were, in that ordinary life through which there came glimpses of something sublime. And in the contemplation of this sublime something the soul was exalted to inconceivable heights of which it had before had no conception which reason lagged behind, unable to keep up with it.” – Leo Tolstoy, Anna Karenina Grief and joy are the extremes of emotion. Although we think we seek joy, that is actually just a fleeting feeling. What you miss most right now is contentment, the feeling that all is calm and well. You may not be able to achieve that right now. Grief, the other extreme, is a forceful presence in your life. Although it may take a few weeks or months, contentment will return, and it will feel far sweeter for having lost it. |
| 1/17/2023 | “I picture Cully tromping through that high, deep snow. That’s how I feel physically from all of this. Moving through grief like it’s a thick drift, exhausting but enlivening. It makes your muscles ache. It makes you feel you’ve inhabited your body completely.” – Kaui Hart Hemmings, The Possibilities Grief can truly feel like an endless winter. Like the actual season in colder climates, however, the sun will eventually melt the snow and the beauty of spring will be revealed. Try to have hope today that the spring in your heart will come again as well. |
| 1/16/2023 | “People grieve in different ways, some silently, some in anger, some in spite. Rarely does grief bring out the best in people, despite what local historians like to tell you.” Joanne Harris, Five Quarters of the Orange You may miss the “real you”, that person you were before you started to grieve. Don’t worry…that person is still there. You will return to a more caring, compassionate version of yourself on the other end of the grief process. |
| 1/15/2023 | “There is greater clarity in the still waters of sadness, something not found in the babbling brooks of more sought after emotions.” – Shaun Hick Feeling sad is your new normal. That emotion has permeated every part of your life for weeks such that you almost don’t have to be reflective and consider how you are feeling. The emotion is always sadness. Take a break from sadness today. Put your face in the sun for ten minutes or go for a walk in a local park. Take a step away from feeling down. You’ll be glad you did. |
| 1/14/2023 | “We live and we die, but we are made of sterner stuff. The carbon atoms in our fingernails, the calcium in our bones, the iron atoms in our blood — all the countless trillions of atoms of which we are made — are ancient objects. They existed before us, before the Earth itself, in fact. And after each of us dies, they will depart from our bodies and do other things. Forever.” – Keith Heyer Meldahl, Hard Road West: History and Geology along the Gold Rush Trail Physical bodies are of this earth; you learned about their components in school. Somehow death does not seem as grounded. Your loss is forcing you to face what you think happened to the essence or the spirit of your loved one. This experience is actually compelling you to look at not only your religious or cultural beliefs, but what you personally believe now that you’ve experienced loss. This process is as much spiritual as it is emotional. |
| 1/13/2023 | “Sometimes when we are drowning in our own loss we lash out–anger is momentarily easier to cope with.” Anne Perry, No Graves as Yet You may find yourself being impatient or aggressive with close family members or friends. It’s like putting on a suit of armor. In a strange way, being angry is easier than loving someone we are suddenly afraid to lose. Recognize this emotion, and make the conscious effort to lead with kindness and compassion. |
| 1/12/2023 | “Like many people whose lives had formed around a particularly painful incident, she had grown used to providing ellipses around the event of her brother’s death to keep conversations comfortable. At some point the subconscious logic of this had spread to the rest of her life so that she rarely talked about things she had been deeply affected by. It wasn’t hard to do.” Mira Jacob, The Sleepwalker’s Guide to Dancing You may feel like you are operating on autopilot so often that you are forgetting how to really connect. It can become a hard habit to break. Take the time today to nourish one relationship carefully. Reconnecting with others continues to be an important part of your recovery process. |
| 1/11/2023 | “Precisely because a living being may die, it is necessary to care for that being so that it may live. Only under conditions in which the loss would matter does the value of the life appear. Thus, grievability is a presupposition for the life that matters.” Judith Butler, Frames of War: When Is Life Grievable? Try to treat each relationship and interaction with the care you wish you had brought to the love you lost. We grieve so that we can learn and grow. |
| 1/10/2023 | “I’m so sorry,” he said, because after Pamela died, he promised himself that if anyone told him the smallest, saddest story, he would answer, I’m so sorry. Meaning, Yes, that happened. You couldn’t believe the people who believed that not mentioning sadness was a kind of magic that could stave off the very sadness you didn’t mention – as though grief were the opposite of Rumpelstiltskin and materialized only at the sound of its own name.” Elizabeth McCracken, Thunderstruck & Other Stories People search for what to say to you now that some time has passed since you suffered your loss. All you may want to hear is “I’m so sorry.” While you can’t force people to say what you’d like, you can give the gift of saying, “I’m so sorry,” to others. |
| 1/9/2023 | “Somehow, grief had seemed easier to bear when the skies were dark and a cold wind kept cats and prey inside their nests.” Erin Hunter, Bramblestar’s Storm Eventually you will love sunny days again. Don’t push yourself. Like so many other phases of grief, your return to the sunshine will come when you are ready. |
| 1/8/2023 | “There’s always a last time. If you could remember every last time, you’d never stop grieving.” Jonathan Tropper, This is Where I Leave You You may be spending a lot of time feeling guilty trying to remember the last time you saw your loved one or told them how you felt. It’s time to free yourself of that burden. Simply remember the love that was there. Those details do not augment or diminish that special relationship. |
| 1/7/2023 | “Sometimes it’s your fragrance that comes to me, out of the blue, on a crowded road in a Sunday afternoon. But more often, it’s memories of us that cross my mind almost every lone evening. All I want is to lessen the pain I feel every night. But every morning I wake up is another day, hopeless and miserable, with nothing but a deafening silence, a wave of tears, memories and your absence.” Sanhita Baruah Are there certain times of the day that are harder for you than others? You may want to try shifting your routine to try to get out of the pattern of when sadness overcomes you. If sitting resting or watching tv at night is hard, start doing your laundry or cleaning your house at night. Take action steps to switch up your days so that you do not become stuck in a pattern of predictable grief. |
| 1/6/2023 | “For each person I lost I found a new layer of grief to cover myself with, and each time I tried to bring something of their essence into my own being – be it unconditional love, kindness and piety.” A. P. J. Abdul Kalam Like your relationships in life, each grieving period is unique. Thinking that you know how your grief for someone will be is like assuming you know how each friendship or each great love will be. You learned a lot about life and about yourself when you first lost someone close to you. If this is your first loss, you are learning those things now. While they change you and give you the gift of empathy as you reconnect with others, they do not adequately prepare you to grieve again. Don’t be hard on yourself because this time is no easier. Know that this is the case for everyone. The one true gift that having grieved before gives you is the knowledge that it will ease with time. |
| 1/5/2023 | “All you need is one safe anchor to keep you grounded when the rest of your life spins out of control” Katie Kacvinsky Think of one activity that you do that makes you feel grounded. It should be something that is low stress and that doesn’t require you to make any decisions. Take 20 minutes for yourself to give your mind a rest from the anxiety of grief. |
| 1/4/2023 | “Grief will shut your eyes off from the world, but Love opens them back up to see its beauty.” Rachel Walden You probably only see the beauty in the world in little flashes right now. Treasure those moments. They represent hope and healing, and will only grow over time. |
| 1/3/2023 | “Allow yourself to be an anchor and anchored by others.” Asa Don Brown As you become connected to others who are grieving, you will find that there are times when you are the anchor and times when you need one. Take pride in being there for someone else. By consoling another person who is grieving, you will find that you have strength and coping mechanisms that you didn’t appreciate you had. |
| 1/2/2023 | “In the support group, the counselor had said: When you lose a loved one, you feel as if you’re inside a confined space. Everyone else will seem to be careening along outside of this space. In time, you will become aware of an opening you are going to have to step through. It might be … a new job, a move–but you’ll know. You will step through.” Jamie Quatro, I Want to Show You More Start a new page of your grief journal or begin a list on a new piece of paper by your bed. Write down at least three possible openings you could step through to break out of your confined space. You do not have to actually do anything on the list right now, but just write them down. In time, you will find you are desperate to make that move. |
| 1/1/2023 | “Sometimes all you can do is hug a friend tightly and wish that their pain could be transferred by touch to your own emotional hard drive.” Richelle E. Goodrich Try to give at least three good hugs today. That means both arms around the other person and a solid, six-second squeeze. It will help you and the recipient manage stress, lower your blood pressure, and feel connected. |
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